188. distractions
Anytime you’re chasing after something that isn’t aligned with your highest values, just know that by default, that desire will fade away.
If what we’re after isn’t absolutely inspiring or deeply meaningful, we’ll eventually find distractions that take our mind away from the things we think we want, only to return it to the things we do. Allowing yourself to notice where your attention goes, what it is distracted by, and what it ultimately returns to is a good way to orient because if we’re leaning into our highest priority, you won’t be bothered by distractions.
When we do, it’s a bit like entering flow, where we’re in the moment, executing on all cylinders through inspired, strategic, and focused intention. Whereas, if we pursue something we only think is important (because of someone telling us so), something of lower value to us, we automatically go into another part of the brain that seeks to avoid this short-term unease or pain, and seeks to replace it with pleasure which comes in the form of distractions.
Easily finding ourselves distracted from the things we think we need to accomplish, in an effort to be someone we think we need to be, is not because we need to try harder, to double down, but that we need to rethink or refine the goal. There’s still a bit of fantasy whirling around in our mind, that the things we continuously try and fail to achieve are simply remnants of who we thought we needed to be. When we stop and become aware of what is happening, we can stop chasing shadows.
It mostly stems from our comparison to others, allowing their ideas to work their way into our decisions. Because of this, we inevitably try to become something we’re not, all the while wondering why we repeatedly fail to do the things we should be doing to deliver us into a life we think we should have, not understanding that we’re distracted for a reason.
187. all in
If you want something, go after it with your whole heart. Don’t wait, shuffle, or dally in your attempt because it’s only with full intention that we’re able to truly discover the possibilities that lay waiting.
We often have the highest of expectations as we endeavor into a new territory, yet we stay reserved in our approach. Why? Because we want to keep enough distance from something so that we can pull back if we need to, but the thing is that reservation is going to keep you from truly understanding what that thing has to offer.
The only option should be to go in with everything you have. To fully feel, love, see, taste, touch; and to immerse yourself into the experience of what it would be like to be that person. Anything less will never offer a true representation of that thing you’re after, and can very well give you the wrong impression.
Let the fire light the way, so that the experience can brand you. Let it lead you to a new life, or leave you with a memory to never return. Fully explore the thing you’re after so that you can truly know whether or not it is what you want, because anything else is just an assumption.
186. confusing love…
We sometimes confuse love with safety, comfort, or familiarity because we’re afraid of the opposite. We’re scared to death of the consequences that come with the realization that what we now call “love” is just a place holder for an emotion that we no longer know how to describe. It’s not that we never truly loved this person, thing, or way of life, but that somewhere along the line it became tied to our identity, while at the same time, it stops serving us. It became easier to say “I love this or that” than to actually feel it.
We tend to tie our identity to a certain person, passion, or way of life, but when any of these things cease to serve us as they once did and fail to accept the change that needs to be made, we become hardened. As we do, cracks start to form. And that’s were the light gets in, which can be difficult when it starts to produce new emotions — ones that allow us to feel something again, or even for the first time — because it’s conflicting with our established identity or way of life. It’s painfully hard to think of yourself as anything different than what you’ve built yourself to be.
So, how do you reconcile the idea of who you thought you should be against who you are afraid to become? You have to first understand that life isn’t guaranteed; except and accept your past. That the life you’ve lived, and the identity you’ve built has taken you this far — delivering both good times and bad — and perhaps has taken you as far as this iteration of yourself can go. Forcing an identity upon yourself of who you think you should be will never truly serve you or the ones you wish to stay the same for. The world will be best served if you are at your best. This life is about change and transformation, and a large part of that comes with the risk of the unknown, but apprehension is no reason to continue a life that you don’t truly love any longer.
If you come to love something, then have it drift away only to have it resurrected somewhere else, it makes no sense to try to force it upon the first thing to evade the unknowns that come with the second.
185. to live is to suffer
It’s been said “to live is to suffer.” We mistakenly embody this idea, and endure it’s continual visitation, without realizing that the suffering is due to our failure to listen to the lesson life is trying to impress upon us.
The suffering stems from our desires coming into conflict with our needs. In other words, we want one thing, while the universe is trying to let you know you need another. This translates into our feelings of “suffering” because we aren’t always able to get what we want, and therefore become forced into a life of unease, until we learn the lesson the universe is trying to teach. It’s a hard concept to come to terms with, but once you do, you can live a more harmonious life.
Also, it’s hard to know ourselves because we can’t objectively see ourselves within the world. The only context we have for the way we decide to do things is through our own interaction, which is tainted with our innate desires. The universe doesn’t have that problem. It knows what you need, and will put things in your path in an effort to create the awareness necessary for you to make the change you need to make.
Our “suffering” is just a part of the learning process. It’s a mismatch between what we think we want, and what we need to become the next version of ourselves. We can continue to suffer, or we can choose to listen to the lesson.
184. if it doesn’t scare you…
If what you do doesn't scare you, you're not trying hard enough.
We often find the excuse not to do things because we are waiting for the perfect confluence of events to produce something spectacular. We do this because we are afraid to fail, but it is the execution and the continual practice that will allow you to deliver the result you're after.
No one hits a home run every time they step to the plate. The great hitters strike out more than they connect, but what separates them from others, is that they swing for a home run every time. They don't let creeping doubt play a part in their efforts. They execute every time they step to the plate, and because they do so they are able to deliver results.
Do they fail? Yes. Does is suck? Yes. Will there be critics? Yes. But, will they be who they are if they didn't continually execute? No!
We can always find a reason not to put ourselves out there. It can be fucking scary to show the world who you are. It requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and for most, that's enough of a reason to hide, or not to try.
We forget that the ones we look to for inspiration didn't start out hitting home runs. They put themselves out there, swung and missed continuously until they found their groove.
183. keep your head up
We get so locked into a certain way of doing things — whether by choice, habit, or simply not knowing better — that we create a situation which limits our potential to feel, experience, or become more. Grinding away can only take us so far, as keeping our head down and going through the motions only works if the destination lay straight ahead. But, we forget that this isn’t how life is supposed to happen.
Life is what happens along the way. It’s keeping our head up so that we can have the awareness to take the detour when something catches our eye, or completely change course if someone or something catches our heart.
It’s the experience we should be after, not the result. Keep your head up, or you may miss out on what life is all about.
182. mistaken destination
It’s easy to find someone to aspire to. The allure comes from our belief that this person is a finished product.
It’s our understanding that if we walk the same path, we can arrive at the same destination. So we mistakenly mirror all our efforts to those we look up to, in hopes that we can one day become just like them, without realizing that it isn’t about the destination, but the journey.
A wise man once said; “do not seek to follow in the footsteps of those you admire, instead honor their legacy by continuing to search for the things they sought.”
Too often we mistake the destination for the journey. We think, if we do all the things the person we wish to be like did, we can arrive at the same place. Yet, I can guarantee you, that if you had the privilege to ask whether or not they “arrived,” they would wholeheartedly disagree, and instead tell you that they have a long way yet to go.
It’s never going to be a bad thing to model your efforts after someone you aspire to be like, but don’t let your view on the destination become so myopic that you can’t enjoy the journey, because if you ever do “arrive” at that magical destination, your passion will quickly wane, whereas a dedication to the journey will offer a lifetime of fulfillment.
181. silence
It’s only in silence that we can truly hear ourselves.
When our mind is quiet, there is a reckoning. What arises within that void, sometimes painful, uncomfortable, or challenging, is what holds the key to unlocking the next version of ourselves. We need to bring our attention to whatever comes about in those times of silence. Exploring those manifestations will allow us to overcome the challenges they continue to create and fully experience the feelings we continuously try to distract ourselves from.
“Being silent,” as Lori Gottlieb put in her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, “is like emptying the trash.” When you stop filling up your empty spaces with shit that doesn’t matter — input from friends/family, social media, news — you can begin to see what is truly important.
Pay attention.
180. life is what you make it
This year is the best example of the saying, “life is what you make it.”
Collectively, we’ve never had more downtime, nor more reason to improve ourselves and the way we do things. Yet, instead of taking advantage of this literal “once in a lifetime opportunity,” we squander the abolition of our old distractions by replacing them with new ones.
Old complaints of not having time to accomplish something were no longer valid this year, but did people get things done? No, they replaced not having time with another excuse.
The problem is not the absence of time, or need, or want, but the absence of responsibility to do what the fuck you need to do.
The constant complaint of “this is the worst year ever” is nothing more than people’s reliance on distraction and therefore absolving them from taking the responsibility to do the things necessary to improve upon their current situation.
For myself, this has probably been one of the best years of my life. Perhaps that is partly due to the fact that I am an introvert. Want me to stay home? Not talk to anyone? NO FUCKING PROBLEM. But at the same time that opened up a lot of free time that was not filled with Netflix binges, or being glued to the constant fear mongering bullshit of the mainstream media. My time was filled with doing the work necessary to be a better version of myself. Creating habits, healing old traumas, and always practicing a growth mindset.
None of this is to say that I didn’t experience my share of troubles. I found love and lost it all within a short window. Heartbreak is never easy. Coupled with the greatest tragedy of all — gym closures — and it would be easy for me to seek comfort in distractions. But, like I said, it comes down to mindset, and believing in the saying “life is what you make it.”
There is always a choice to make with how you respond to any situation. Choose wisely.
179. refine, not define
Our history will always be a part of our story. Let it refine you, not define you. There is a choice when it comes to how we think, feel, and act. We can be guided by the pain or trauma of past events, which have the power to keep us from personal growth, or we can let go of what happened and choose to let the future we wish to encounter inform our decisions in the present.
If we live from the past, we will always be trying to fix things that happened years ago. Reliving something that cannot be changed is just going to keep you experiencing life in a similar fashion, with the same feelings that it brought about the first time, thus not allowing for growth. There is a choice with how you relate to events in your life. Let it go. If we can change the relationship with our history, allowing it to refine us instead of define us, then we can begin to institute the change we seek.
Looking back as a way to inform our decisions in the present will never serve us. It keeps us stagnant. Growth requires change. Looking forward, being future minded, will inform us of the moves we need to make in order to build the life we want.
178. gravity
We’ve all been a part of a situation or relationship that hasn’t gone our way. The unfortunate part about these things is that we don’t always pick up on the reality of the situation because we can only see the world through our interpretation. While we see something one way, the reality of the situation may be taking us in another. The objections and failures we begin to come up against, may no longer be hurdles to overcome, but signposts directing you to change the way you see the path forward.
It’s difficult to change directions, to let things go, especially when their promise was so great. But an important part of life is coming to the realization that just because you don’t believe in gravity, doesn’t mean that gravity doesn’t believe in you.
177. more information doesn’t help
Most of us know what things we need to do to improve our situation. We know that eating bad food isn’t going to help us lose weight. That working more isn’t going to help us catch up on our sleep. And that spending money isn’t the quickest way to financial freedom. Yet, even though we want to be in shape, well rested, and financially stable, we fail to carry out the very things that would make those things happen.
We stand in the way of our own progress because the path we’re on is familiar. Familiarity is comfortable. It’s proven to be the path of least resistance for the life and identity we’ve created. But that path we’re on is directed by the story we continue to tell ourselves. And it’s always going to be easier to simply repeat or retell our story, than it will be to rewrite the narrative and institute the change we desire.
More information doesn’t help, until you begin to change the narrative you live by.
176. seeking resolution
We all have habits, good and bad. But it’s not the habit we’re after. It’s the feeling we derive from the execution of that habit.
We don’t want to journal, we want to think clearly. We don’t want to smoke, we want to alleviate our anxiety. We don’t want to workout, we want the result the workout delivers.
Habits are driven by the prediction of what the behavior will give us. What we’re after is resolution. A stimulus that either extinguishes or suppresses feelings or urges that arise within us.
As with everything else, certain things serve us, while others don’t. If a habit isn’t making you better, it’s keeping you from getting better. That emotion or urge you seek to chronically suppress is most likely the manifestation of an underlying need. It is something that deserves to be explored further, not overlooked. When the underlying message is brought to your attention it can be dealt with in a better way, leading to positive changes, and perhaps the elimination of bad habits.