229. don’t be afraid to love
No matter how many times we’ve been hurt, don’t be afraid to surrender to the feeling of love whenever it comes along because there isn’t a more transformative force in the universe. Always be open to its possibility. Yes, we may get hurt, and there’s never a guarantee we won’t. But it is in those moments where we choose to surrender, instead of hiding from the feeling for fear of a broken heart, that we are able to find the truest expression of ourselves. Too often in our effort to avoid heartbreak, we forget love isn’t the cause of our pain, it is the antidote.
228. what does impossible look like?
What does impossible look like?
It looks familiar.
You wake up. Eat breakfast. Check your electronic device for emails, messages, and updates. You respond accordingly. Then you travel somewhere to complete a task — work or school or another creative endeavor. You talk to people, here and there, gaining insight from shared conversations. Email, messages, and updates are checked again, before you move on to lunch. Then another task, more conversations and so on. Interspersed in there somewhere you grab a shower, get some sleep, hit the gym, and put the kids to bed. And repeat.
The underlying process and fundamental execution of your daily tasks all look the same — no matter if you’re striving for a moonshot project or implementing a new dietary regimen.
We often fail to make changes in our life because we’re afraid that pursuing the impossible means we will have to upend all the familiar processes we have in place. This isn’t necessarily the case. Yes, you will have to change who you converse with if you want to make it to Mars, just as you will have to change the way you eat if you wish to be healthier, but you still have to talk to people and you still have to eat. You still have to travel from place to place, check your email, and remain focused. It’s no different than any other day, with the caveat that in going after the impossible you can complete all the things you were already doing with a new sense of purpose.
If you can understand that doing the impossible — whatever that really means for you — isn’t going to be as unfamiliar as you think, then perhaps you will find the necessary confidence to press forward and go after the impossible.
227. you never know
You never know what is going to happen. As someone famous once said… “You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.” So, with that understanding, always be open to the situation you find yourself in. Approach the moments of wonder as equally as those of devastation.
Surrender to that which is unchangeable outside of you, and adapt what is within you. Have the presence of mind that nothing can ever really hurt you, as all our experiences are inherently “neutral.” It is our reaction to life’s events that determine how we move forward.
We can be grateful for how far we’ve come and the experiences we’ve had, or we can be tortured by the thoughts of what if. One will lead to a brighter tomorrow, while the other may keep us from it.
226. “alive”
Ever since I was little, I remember people asking me the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Publicly, I would always answer with some random profession to satisfy the curiosity of whoever it was that asked, as if that’s all this life is supposed to be about. But on my own, in private, when I really took the time to think about it, I’d answer… “when I grow up, I want to be alive.”
Looking back, I’m sure if I voiced that desire many people would think of me as morbid or pessimistic, and try to throw me in therapy, however I never saw it that way. It was more about being present and experiencing the world whenever that far off time of “grown up” decided to arrive. Regardless, the sentiment served me well to get through the next stage of my life.
At one point, I was so riddled with depression and sadness that I no longer wanted to exist. Revisiting the question from time to time, always returned the same answer. Being “alive” always sounded great. And with years of suicidal thoughts, being “alive” was a great goal to shoot for.
Obviously, I made it through those times, tough as they were, and on to the other side of that stage of my life, yet the question still remains… “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I still can’t come up with a better answer to that question than to be “alive.” However, the context is different now. It’s more than the literal — breathing, eating, moving, existing in this world; “alive” — and more the metaphorical “alive” that can only be realized through finding something that lights a fire inside you like finding Love, or Purpose, or Passion, or something along those lines.
I discovered fire. I was lucky enough to have found someone that allowed me to feel “alive” in the experience I shared with her. She opened me up to see the world differently. To see myself differently. “Alive,” no longer meant just existing within the world, it shifted toward wanting to build a new one. Together with her, and for her. Being “alive” became synonymous with the Love and happiness I felt toward this person. It was transformational. I never knew how good things could feel until I found someone whose peaks matched my valleys so exactly. We fit so amazingly well. The polarity was magnetizing. Everything came easy; the words, the passion, the intimacy, the connection, the chemistry. All the feelings and emotions that romance novels and great love stories are made of. The most incredible part is that every bond we connected on, every emotion we shared only grew stronger with the time we spent together. It was fucking amazing when we were together. Truly magic, if even for a moment.
This past year has been the most transformative time in my life. It’s a combination of figuring out how love is supposed to feel, and discovering who I am supposed to be. It’s provided me with a new interpretation of what being “alive” can mean. I’ve never felt more “me” than I do right now. I’ve never felt more alive.
Over the course of my life I’ve returned, again and again, to the question… “what do I want to do when I grow up?” And, I cannot think of a better answer than to be “alive.” However, with each stage of my life it’s taken on new meaning. From my youngest years of simply wanting to grow up. To my darker years of not wanting to die. To the present interpretation of equating “aliveness” (is that a word!?) with finding, experiencing, and expressing Love. The language has always remained the same, but with new experiences, came new meaning.
So, while I’ve answered the question the same way throughout the entirety of my life, the meaning has consistently changed. And I’m okay with that. We should never be too rigid, or strict on the words we use to define our life. They are meant to change, as are we and the words we use. Any introduction to a new experience opens us up to use our language in a new way. New context can change old content. We should always look for new meaning in how we tell our story. The context can change everything. It can light our world on fire, or burn it down. It’s all in the meaning and how we choose to see things.
I hope we all find someone or something that makes us feel “alive.”
our thoughts are no longer our own
Interesting ideas from the book Hardwired: How Our Instincts to Be Healthy are Making Us Sick by Robert S. Barrett
Not even our thoughts are our own anymore…
So powerful is our desire for social relevance that many of us follow the crowd and adopt their identity simply due to an eagerness to belong — this is a powerful theme with modern social media. We quickly adopt the narrative of the groups we want to fit into, hoping they will accept us, even if the decision to do so is completely irrational.* This effort to conform is known as Normative Influence, which results in conformity for the sole sake of belonging. Because we are all lost in autonomy, we are willing to bend our narrative just for a chance to fit in.
The modern world has magnified the appeal for belonging. Studies into normative social influence demonstrate that conformity is much stronger in public than in private, and because our lives are increasingly public, we tilt more and more to what we find will make us the most acceptable. From posting photos online, to uploading our children’s birthday party videos, to taking selfies at work, we are subtly shifting our true voice or story to fit the greater narrative we wish to be a part of.
In the famous Asch conformity experiments, when subjects were able to write their answers down anonymously, as opposed to stating them in front of the group, they were honest nearly all the time, unencumbered by the social pressures to conform to the group narrative.
Popular social media apps are rendering our private sphere public, and for many of us, conformity with online social media trends means greater peer acceptance. Conforming to group norms and attitudes are a hardwired trait, as we all want to belong. In one study, when teens and college students were shown social media images while in an fMRI, the images that elicited the greatest response in the brain’s reward center were the ones that had the most likes by others.** This suggests that we are not entirely free-thinkers when it comes to stating what we like or dislike any longer, but are subconsciously seeking to follow the trends of the group so that we don’t get left behind.
225. tribes
We used to be born into tribes. We didn’t have to find people from other countries or walks of life that share our values or ideas, and then try to create our own. We had very little choice in the matter, but what it gave us was a sense of belonging, identity, and continuity.
We didn’t have to figure out who we were because being born into a tribe inherently meant… “I know who I am, because I know who I am a part of.”
We didn’t have to wonder what to do because the tribe would automatically dictate our approach… “I know what to do, because, I do what I am told.”
We didn’t have to worry about finding purpose because our relationships were organized in a way that gave us a sense of duty and obligation… “I am happy when I fulfill the tasks that are expected of me.”
We weren’t raised for autonomy. We weren’t raised to use our words to say what we want. We were raised to know what other people want from us. Despite the gap in time, we are, to a large extent, still these people.
In the transition from childhood to adulting we are thrust into a world of autonomy, and most of us have no idea how to find our place in the modern world. Hence, the boom in the self-help book genre. We’re all looking to find our place. We have never been more free to make our own decisions, yet more alone in the process.
So, how can we overcome this challenge?
Unfortunately, I don’t see that there is any “quick fix” because, in a way, the whole concept of autonomy is going against human nature. We exist to work together. However, in finding your tribe, I think the best approach for any of us will be to focus more on ways of showing the world who you are comfortable being, rather than trying to find somewhere you’d like to fit in. Your tribe should gravitate toward you, not the other way around.
In essence, this whole concept of starting this blog and sharing my ideas is a way to find my place in the world. To work out my ideas and hopefully find others along the way. All we can really do is try, learn, adapt, and grow. And eventually, if we show up consistently, and with conviction, we’re bound to find our tribe.
224. establishing relationships
When it comes to establishing a relationship, communication is key. It shouldn’t be a chore to talk to someone. There shouldn’t be a desire to avoid contact. And there shouldn’t be any need for posturing. Rather, you should feel completely free to be yourself, and ultimately who you want to become.
Whether it’s in the context of dating or securing a new business deal, you should always ask yourself, “how do I feel when I am interacting with this person?”
If you aren’t drawn to this person. If you don’t feel yourself around them. If you aren’t inspired by their presence. And if it isn’t easy to communicate, then the relationship is doomed to fail, regardless of how attractive or beneficial the relationship may seem.
To cultivate the right relationships, look for comfort in the connection. Finding people who remind you more of who you want to be will allow you to build a transformational relationship, where you and the other person can grow from one another. Whereas, if you have to force yourself to interact in order to commit to something, then the situation merely becomes transactional, and inevitably volatile.
So, when choosing people to surround yourself with, pick ones that make the process of growth easy, instead of chore.
223. memories of yesterday
For our life to progress, it’s necessary to abandon things we’ve become to create space for a better version of what will be. With that loss, we see old opinions, strategies, and relationships wither. Just as likely as those memories fade, so too, does the identity of who we used to be. It’s transformation. With each passing day, a part of us is gone. Left in the memory of yesterday. While the rest, and hopefully the best parts of us, move on with the freedom to create a better tomorrow.
Don’t be afraid to let go, but understand that nothing on our path toward progress is absolute. Pay attention to the memories of yesterday. Walk confidently away from the memories that fade, as the events they’re linked to have served their purpose in progressing our story. And for the ones that continue to reverberate, be aware that they may actually be a necessary part of building our better tomorrow.
222. what’s past is prologue
You get to be the narrator of your life’s story. There’s no rule that says you must be defined by your past. It doesn’t matter who you were, in only matters who you want to become. Don’t fall into the trap of using your past as an excuse that keeps you stuck in habits, attitudes, relationships, and situations that prevent you from growing. Take responsibility for the life you have. If it’s not what you want, then change the way you relate to your story. Base your identity and internal narrative on your future, not your past.
221. find yourself
Most of us live within other peoples value systems. Ever since we were children, we were told what was valuable and what wasn’t. We took on those values because without them, we didn’t think we could be loved or accepted. We became this person who holds things of importance without ever really understanding why. But it’s because we are a product of our environment.
The values impressed upon us from a young age, carry us through life if they align with our path, and cause us great strife if they’re in conflict with the path we should be walking.
So, how can we reconcile these things? We need to take a step back and look at all the things we’re doing. Are we doing them because we should, or because we want to? There is a distinctive difference, and in figuring it out, we can find ourselves and start living the way we’re meant to.
220. what really matters
We’ve all had our share of conflict. “Should I do this? or Should I do that?” Most often, we base our decisions on the most familiar option, not because it’s what we’re truly after any longer, so much as it’s the option where we know what to expect. It’s a safe choice, but not necessarily the right one for us.
All choice comes with an element of uncertainty. There is difficulty in saying “yes” to one thing, because it means saying “no” to another. In other words, in choosing one thing, we lose out on another. If everything align perfectly, we would never find ourselves in such a perplexing situation, as the answers would always be obvious. Yet, when they aren’t, their conflict upon our narrative comes in full force.
So, how do we determine what actually matters, and make the right choice for ourselves? We have to think about what we currently know today. With that information we have to ask ourselves… “if I wasn’t already invested in this business/relationship/career, would I invest in it today?”
It’s easy to think about all the time and effort we’ve placed into a particular endeavor and equate switching directions or quitting to throwing it all away, but we can’t look at it like that. We’ve have to understand that our journey was never set in stone. The steps we took to arrive at this point in our lives were all necessary to create the person we are, but that doesn’t mean continuing down the same path will continue to serve us. Hence, the conflict.
Joseph Campbell once said that, “we must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so that we can accept the life that is waiting for us.” In a sense, what we hold on to, can sometimes be what is holding us back.
Conflict arrises for a reason. Pay attention. It brings awareness to what is and isn’t working to deliver us toward the life that is waiting for us. So, that brings us back to the question.. if you weren’t already invested in (insert the thing you are so conflicted over) , would you currently invest all your time and energy into it?
219. actions are the answer
At one point or another we’ve all asked someone, “what’s the meaning of life?” Our ask is genuine, but also a bit presumptuous as it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to tell us. And because we are all on our own path, no answer other than our own can truly serve us. Instead, imagine the world turning it around and directing that question toward us, and our answer can only materialize through our actions. In every situation, life is asking us a question, and our actions are the answer.
218. expectations
It’s our own expectations that hurt us, not the reality we’re faced with. Whatever we think should happen for us isn’t real, but exists as a projection of what we want our world to look like. When things don’t go our way, it’s easy to feel like a victim, but the thing is that if we allow ourselves to fall to that level of thinking, we lose all our power to effectively change the situation moving forward.
We are not separate from the problems we encounter, we are part of them. Our experience is based on our perception. Any expectations we place on outcomes is of our doing. The sooner we can accept the responsibility that our expectations are under our control, the sooner we can positively adjust to the consequences.
Our power lies within our approach. We can never know the outcome of a certain situation, so being tied to any particular outcome can never prepare us to rise to the occasion.
217. commitment
Commitment is a statement of what “is.” It’s an honest assessment of your true desire.
You know what you’re committed to, by the results of your actions, not by what you say your commitments are.
If you simply say you’re committed to a result, it’s easy to come up with stories, excuses and reasons why the circumstances aren’t in favor of delivering you to the outcome you say you want. Whereas, if you’re truly committed, none of those things cross your mind. Your inner narrative is reflective of your true desires and you do whatever it takes.
Be aware of your response to any conflict that arrises along the way to your stated commitments. Are they excuses that keep you from getting a result? Or, are they just obstacles along your path to the inevitable outcome you’re working toward? There is a distinctive difference. One being the stated, the other being the true. The sooner you can be honest with yourself about your commitments, the sooner you can take the action necessary to finally get what you desire.
216. labels
Instead of rising to difficult situations, we often fall to the labels we apply to ourselves. For instance, we’ll say “I’m an introvert,” to justify our lack of openness or willingness to try new things. We avoid new experiences, conflict, and anything that runs contradictory to that label, ultimately boxing ourselves into a particular narrative. This only stunts our ability to grow, with every challenging interaction serving as a way to reinforce the idea we have about ourselves. So, if we are going to use labels to identify ourselves, we have to be careful to choose ones that open us up, instead of keeping us closed off.
215. master the art of showing up
A habit must be established before it can be improved. This has to become a standard in your life before you should start worrying about optimizing or expanding on it.
If you’re not the type of person who sits down and writes one sentence a day, or steps one foot inside a gym, you’re never going to be the person who finishes a novel, or looks good naked.
We’re so focused on finding and implementing the perfect plan that we forget to give ourselves permission to not be perfect at first. Instead, we need to shift our focus on showing up everyday in a small way.
Whether it’s one push-up or one word on a blank page, do something so that you can master the art of showing up. Make that your new normal. And then once you become the person who shows up, then you can expand on the habit you’ve built.
off topic: saying “i love you”
Saying, “I love you,” never came easy for me. Until it did. Why is that? My previous 2 relationships lasted a total of 15 years, and they had to pry those words out of my mouth. Looking back, I’m pretty confident it wasn’t love I was in, but denial that I had simply grown comfortable in a situation I didn’t want to leave. That’s not love, and it makes sense why the words never came easy. Fast forward to my most current relationship/situation (its complicated, I’ll write a novel about it one day)… I not only want to tell this person I love her, but I want to tell everyone else I love her, also. It’s as cute as it is ridiculous. So what’s the difference? Well, to be honest, I found someone who I want to make happy, whereas before I was looking for someone to make me happy. And that right there makes all-the-fucking-difference.
It’s rare to find someone you genuinely care enough about to break your own heart to let her go so that she can live the life she wants. It’s rare to find someone who inspires you to change your ways so profoundly that it causes you to see the world differently, and yet cannot imagine a world without her. It’s rare to find a person you truly and selflessly want to make happy. I think that’s why I love her, and I find it so very easy to say to her, “I love You.”
Find someone that makes the words come easy.
214. love or lust
The real differentiator between love and lust is how you feel when you’re with that other person. Shared between love and lust is the necessity of physical attraction, but unique to the experience of love, is that you genuinely like who you are when you’re with that other person. They’re able to reflect back onto you the person you enjoy being, or inspire to become. In either case, you like the mirror the other person provides because the reflection offers possibility and promise to the mystery of coming together in a way that lust would never be able to create. It’s the difference between finding a foundation you want to build upon, and overcoming an obstacle to get on with your life.
213. wake up with purpose…
At one point or another we’ve all found ourselves headed down a path we thought we were supposed to be on, whether through social pressures or what seemed like the best route to deliver a result we were after. All the while we having to continually convince ourselves to do the work necessary, instead of waking up and enjoying the process. Why is that? Perhaps, it’s the wrong path. But how do you know?
If you’re walking around continuing to do things because you feel you should, instead of finding enjoyment in them because you get to do them, then the narrative you’re following is no longer yours. Your purpose has been coopted by outside forces and is probably the reason you have to convince yourself to do certain things, or make certain decisions.
There’s a difference between saying, “I should” do something, and “I get to” do something.” If you keep saying you “should” do something, it’s a good indication that whatever it is, isn’t aligned with what you’re truly after; and you need to ask why you have to force yourself down this particular path. Whereas, if you wake up every morning, saying “I get to” do this or that (like read, write, workout, go to work, or see someone), then you can feel confident you’re on the right path.
We’re all going to find more success if we follow the path directed by the things we “get to do” instead of relying on the things we “should be doing” to deliver us to a result. One pulls us in, inspires us to do more, while the other only pushes us toward a specific end, where once achieved, we can finally explore what we actually want. So, why wait? Listen to the words you use to describe your actions. Are they, “I get to” do this,” or “I should do that?”
212. double punishment
Our collective narrative — the stories passed down through generations to help the next succeed — has become lost amid a rapidly advancing world. No longer can we agree on a path forward, as a result, our health suffers. All this stems from a profiteering medical system that seeks to “better” humanity by further disconnecting us from our natural past, and what gave us the strength and vitality to thrive up to this point, instead creating greater discord within our body.
We’ve been misled in thinking that there is no knowledge to be drawn from our past that can improve our health, when everything in life, and especially science, has been built upon the foundation that came before it. What works sticks, what doesn’t sloughs off. Now we are led to believe that the best way to capture health is NOT to look back to what gave us strength and vitality in the past, but to look forward to what science can manifest. That medicine has the power to save us from ourselves, if only we take this or cut that out. All the while we casually walk down the path of double punishment, losing who we are, along with the health we are trying to reclaim.