241. sustained desire
Unfulfilled desire will always be met with disappointment. It’s frustrating to be denied a raise or turned down by that person at the bar. But, fulfilled desire also comes with its own flavor of loss. In getting what we want, we lose the thrill of wanting it. The yearning, the elaborate strategies, the fantasies, and all the energy wound tightly into wanting are exasperated upon acquisition.
Sound familiar? It has too. Just think about the last thing you had to have until you got it. Now that you have it, you may enjoy it, you may even love it, but do you still want it? How does that want compare to the first time it crossed your mind? It is definitely harder to want what you already have, for the obvious reason of owning it. It’s the law of diminishing returns telling us that with increased frequency comes a decrease in satisfaction. The more you use a product, the less satisfaction you’ll get with each subsequent use.
So if desire is always more intense than its requiting, are we doomed in our quest to find the one? Are our attempts at a loving relationship destined for staleness for lack of longing?
It is often said that people only want what they can’t have. This makes sense from the perspective of buying a new gadget, article of clothing or even sexual conquest, but I think that logic breaks down when it comes to love. You see, we cannot own a person in the same way we own our iPhone. People, the ones who we make our partner, are not finite entities for consumption, manufactured in a certain form to fill a specific function. They are organic individuals who think, learn, and grow from their life experiences. This gives them the ability to continuously transform throughout their lives.
If not, then yes, trade that mother fucker in. But that speaks directly to the point.
Because you can know the in’s and out’s of your iPhone, you will want a new one. This isn’t the same for people, because unlike a product, people change with new experiences and grow with new challenges over time. They have the capacity for growth which allows them to continuously transform over the course of the relationship.
The problem isn’t that love is doomed to fail based on the loss of desire, it’s in finding a partner that grows in the same direction as the path you’re walking. In doing so, you will realize their mystery is forever ungraspable. And as soon as we can understand this, sustained desire becomes a real possibility.
240. pay attention to the tension
Life is the way it is. Always. And if you get upset about that, not only will life still be the way it is, but you’ll also be upset.
If getting upset were the precursor to transforming your life, then by all means you should walk around upset all day because it will totally transform your circumstance. But it doesn’t. However, it does reveal where you aren’t okay with something.
And that is the gift. To see where you are not okay. It shows where the focus needs to go to liberate you from the conflict that causes you to be upset. It’s life’s way of showing you that the situation you’re currently in, or certain things you’re experiencing are not in line with who you truly want to be.
Pay attention to the tension.
239. stepping back
This life is full of choices. We are always measuring out our next move. Should I do this or that? Thinking about how to make exponential progress without an ounce of regression because we unfortunately equate regression with failure. But as with anything in life, it’s not always this black and white. Regression doesn’t always mean failure. Sometimes it simply means taking a step back to see things more clearly so that you can make a better move forward.
In football, the quarterback always drops back from the line of scrimmage to get a clearer view of the field before he makes a play by throwing, handing off, or even running the ball forward himself. Without stepping back he would not be able to survey the field to execute the best play possible to move the ball forward. If he only kept his head down and tried to continually push through the line he wouldn’t get very far, and probably get hurt in the process. The results would be very poor and predictable, and the game would be even more boring than it already is (sorry, not sorry). The same goes for life…
The concept of stepping back is lost on most of us because we have been taught to never lose ground because our value and identity rests on what we have accomplished up to this very point. But like the quarterback, if you are grinding away and not making progress, maybe what you’re doing isn’t what you should be doing. Step back, regroup, see the situation for what it is. Don’t stay in a situation that isn’t allowing you to move forward simply because you’re afraid to regress or momentarily lose status in your life. Chances are, if you get over that fear, that step back will propel you forward. Sometimes a step backwards is a step in the right direction.
outgrowing your parents
what do you do if you out grow your parents?
I was raised by narcissistic children. Both my mother and father were and continue to be victims. I never seemed to do anything right in search of the love I wanted and needed. How was I supposed to put into words the things I inherently needed but have no idea how to conceptualize? I’m was fucking child. I feel like that is the responsibility of parents, to provide concepts of love, comfort, safety, and understanding so that a child can become a strong and resiliently minded individual. Looking back, I never had that. I was their precious child and at the same time never allowed to be one. It fucked me up for over 30 years.
I don’t know if this is some magical time in my life but I am now older than my parents were when they had me. And I feel more mature than they are now and ever have been, so what do you do if you out grow your parents? How fucking sad is that question? This isn’t growing apart or distant, this is like taking the 40 year old self you’ve become and trying to have a relationship with your highschool self. How do you grow from that situation?
Relationships are only beneficial as both parties stand to gain some type of positivity from one another. Are parents supposed to be any different? I’m not saying to brush them off or disrespect them or never talk to them again, but if you are the sum of the people you hold closest to your heart, and your parents on their best possible day will never be able elevate you to who you wish to become, are you supposed to keep them close simply because they’re your parents or keep them at arms distance because they can only hinder your progress as an individual? It’s a tough question. And as always, there is no right answer.
I don’t think there is any justification for keeping anyone close to you if they don’t wish to continuously grow with you. It shouldn’t matter if they gave birth to you or not. People are still people and if they aren’t making you better they are keeping you from getting better. It’s really fucking sad because I wish I had a family. I wish I had someone to love like a mother. Someone to call and tell them how I feel and how good I am doing in life and have them be proud. Someone to seek advice from. Someone to talk to. But I don’t. And it’s sad, but it’s all part of my story.
238. thirty day rule
Based on the last 30 days of interacting with your partner, your employer, or any other relationship, would they bring you back for another 30 days or could they find someone better to replace you?
If you are honest with yourself, the likely answer for most of us is “No.” The way you’ve shown up over the last 30 days is out of habit, or fear, or comfort, not the excitement or passion that consumed us over the first 30 days.
You show up day after day because it’s easy. It’s easy because it’s familiar. You can zone out, and make it through the day on autopilot. You are present without really having presence. You’re there, but you’re not because you checked out a long time ago.
Think back to the first interaction with your partner, the first interview for that job you wanted, the first sparks of passion you felt for the commitment you now simply show up for. Think about all the excitement you felt during those first 30 days. Now think about how much of that person still exists today.
Would your partner or employer re-up for another 30 days, based on the last 30?
In speaking on relationships, Esther Perel says that “your partner is a lease, with an option to renew.” Extending that metaphor to the broader context of this post — the relationship, or career path, or any situation you find yourself in is not a life sentence. They’re all experiences we have controlling interest in. There is no obligation to keep going. If the last 30 days aren’t in line with the first what’s the point of continuously renewing. If you aren’t showing up with the same fervor or feeling as you once did maybe it’s time to trade it in.
237. willingness
We all want to be free, but what does that really mean? We seem to think it’s the ability to do whatever we want, yet we would be wrong. Freedom isn’t the ability to do whatever we want, it’s the willingness to do so.
We think, “if I only had this much money or that much time, I could finally have the freedom to do what I wanted.” But that’s bullshit. If we were really forced to make a change, we would most likely realize we already have enough money and time to make the necessary changes that would put us on a path toward the life we want. Will it be perfect? Probably not, but that’s freedom.
We have a lot more freedom than our excuses allow us to believe. The things we tell ourselves are just stories to keep us in familiar territory because we are afraid of the consequences or the push back or the unknown that actually comes with the willingness to be free. We aren’t lacking freedom because we’re missing some liberating force in our lives, we lack freedom because we are stuck in our ways.
236. change your language
If the story you continue to tell yourself doesn’t line up with the actions you take then you need to change the things you say.
Either change your language, or change your message.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you want to lose weight, but continue the bad habits that caused you to gain the weight in the first place.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you don’t like the job you’re in, but refuse to put effort into updating your resume to see what can come of it.
There’s no reason to continue to talk about how you wish you could find the time to read more, but all the free time you have is spent on social media or in front of the television.
Maybe the things you say you want aren’t as important as you think they are. And that’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up trying to fit in a narrative that doesn’t work for you. If you are continuing to fall short on what you tell yourself, take note. There’s a good chance that that story, at least in how you’re currently telling it, isn’t in line with what really needs to happen.
Here’s a personal example… A goal of mine is to be successful and make money simply for being me. I thought that meant I had to build a business around my personality. I kept telling myself over and over, this is how I have to do it, but failed every time. I just don’t care enough about marketing or social media to be “that guy.” So, I changed the way I looked at it all. Instead of saying “I need to be a brand,” I change the language to “I want the freedom to do what I love.” That seemed to make all the difference in the world because I found a place that lets me be me, and they pay me well for it. I have endless potential to grow and create, which is all I wanted from the beginning. But if I stuck to the language that kept failing me, I wouldn’t have found the success that I have now.
235. accept what happened
If we can translate our mess into meaning, then we can free ourselves from the burden it creates, instead of simply trying to find our way through or fix it. This isn’t the same as being overtly positive about the negative emotions or situations we encounter, rather its about accepting what has happened. Pause and learn from the situation. In this way, we can embrace those negative emotions that come from the undesirable situations as part of a larger process.
In her book entitled, Own Your Self, Kelly Brogan cites a 1,300 person study which “revealed that accepting negative emotions rather than suppressing, fighting, or otherwise papering them over led to the experience of fewer negative emotions.” It’s like the old thought experiment of asking someone not to think of the pink elephant — when we try not to, that’s all we can think about. Similarly, if we’re trying not to think about the negative consequences of the troubling experience we’re going through in our life it’s going to weigh much heavier on us than if we were to accept the situation for what it is.
Brogan goes on to say that, “when we stop fighting what we’re feeling — scared, alone, abandoned, angry — we spend less time focusing on what’s wrong in our life that needs fixing.” Whether it’s losing our job or experiencing heartbreak, the only way forward is through the acceptance of what happened, that the sun will rise tomorrow, and you will be okay.
234. choosing another
How do you deal with someone you love choosing another over you? Well, if you really love that person, you will honor their choice because love doesn’t judge. It has no agenda. It just is.
All you can really do is think about the beautiful time you spent with that person, whether it was a week, a month, or a year. Find gratitude for the time you were able to experience that person and who you became because of that relationship, instead of feeling depression for the absence of them. Yes, it’s going to hurt for a time and that’s okay because you’re human. There are going to be painful waves of emotion, but after a while they will subside and when they do you will be ready for loves next swell to overtake you.
233. grow into your new shell
We live in a shell. It’s walls represent the boundaries of our potential.
As we grow within our shell, by overcoming obstacles and taking on new opportunities, our potential for growth gets smaller and smaller until we eventually hit its walls.
We can understand our arrival at these limits as fulfilling our potential — like a bodybuilder standing in admiration of how he fills out his small shirt — or we can see this as a new, and perhaps the most significant, challenge on our journey toward continual improvement by seeking a larger shell.
Shedding one identity for the possibility for another will never come easy, but the space it provides is necessary for growth.
The transition to a new shell will feel foreign. You’ll feel out of place. You’ll feel like an imposter. You’ll wonder why you left until you realize how much more room you have to grow within your new shell.
232. the dance of love
The paradox of love is that it requires a balance between two opposing forces: surrender and autonomy. We can only find togetherness, if we are able to maintain our separateness. As Esther Perel says in Mating in Captivity, “with too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter.”
In this way, love is a dance. Watch any dancing couple, you will see that much of the time they exist together as one on the dance floor, while they’re isolated from one another at other times so they can fulfill their unique movements that create the performance. Holding each other in a tight embrace, not moving, is only interesting in the contrast of the separateness and explicit movements that follow. When people come together — in a relationship or in the expression of dance — connection is no longer able to happen as there isn’t anyone to connect with. Thus, separateness becomes necessary to create the potential for connection.
231. hinging your tomorrows on yesterday
Not everything is meant to last forever. But the end of something doesn’t mean you failed. It more likely means the thing you’re after is failing you. Who you’ve become in the process can no longer be fulfilled by whatever it is you’re afraid to fail at. And in trying, you’re not opening yourself up to the possibility of something that can fulfill the new person you’ve become. You’re hinging your tomorrows on yesterday.
We have to realize that there is a distinction between what is worth saving and what is worth walking away from. But we all want there to be definitive answers, so we wait for absolutes, and that’s the biggest mistake because they never come. We’re always going to be at battle with “what if?”
Our decisions are always going to come with conflict. In choosing to walk away from old systems and toward greater possibilities, sometimes we also have to come to terms with letting go of what was great about the old system.
As I like to say, “there are no right answers, but there are wrong ones.” This life is about forward progress and momentum. If the situation you find yourself in isn’t moving you forward, or at least allowing you to maintain the momentum toward the life you want, then it’s important to periodically ask, “is this system serving who I want to become, or holding me back?” Pay attention to the themes.
The answers are never simple and choices will always be hard, but nothing worth it comes easy.
230. behind every criticism
Behind every criticism is a wish waiting to be realized.
We critically ask…
“Why didn’t you ask me about my day?”
“Why didn’t you thank me?”
“Why didn’t you say something nice?”
“Why didn’t you say good morning?”
Instead of saying what we really mean…
“I wish you would show interest in my day, gratitude for my actions, appreciation for my deeds, or acknowledgement of my presence.”
If we say we wished another person did something, we have to put ourselves out there, on the line. It means we want something. It opens us up to be refused, rejected, unheard, or unseen. And if those needs aren’t met, it can be devastating.
To save ourselves from the potential of a painful interaction, we place the responsibility of what we’re truly after onto another by asking a critical question. Instead of saying what we want, we’ll say what they didn’t do. Questioning another by asking, “Why didn’t you do this?” or “What’s wrong with you?” feels better in some bizarre way than to tell the person what you actually want. That’s the wish, veiled in criticism.
We’re all so very complicated. Trying to figure out ways to get what we want, as if there is ever going to be a better way than simply asking. Don’t make things more difficult than they need to be. Don’t place the responsibility of figuring out your needs onto another. Don’t criticize. Be direct. Ask for what you want. You’ll get it a lot sooner, and with less tumult.
i just want to wake up with you
the world turned to bring us closer
it spun on itself and within us
and joined us together in this dream.
separated from reality, we fell for each other
in the twilight hours we explored
ourselves, our feelings, our future
You, and I, quickly became Us
in that transformation we grew together
broken in all the right places, we fit.
we were the completion of a circuit
setting each other free, to feel, to love
to see, to experience electricity.
it is all so real, but unrealized
as our love is left in the darkness of the night
and that’s the problem with dreams…
i just want to wake up with you.
229. don’t be afraid to love
No matter how many times we’ve been hurt, don’t be afraid to surrender to the feeling of love whenever it comes along because there isn’t a more transformative force in the universe. Always be open to its possibility. Yes, we may get hurt, and there’s never a guarantee we won’t. But it is in those moments where we choose to surrender, instead of hiding from the feeling for fear of a broken heart, that we are able to find the truest expression of ourselves. Too often in our effort to avoid heartbreak, we forget love isn’t the cause of our pain, it is the antidote.
228. what does impossible look like?
What does impossible look like?
It looks familiar.
You wake up. Eat breakfast. Check your electronic device for emails, messages, and updates. You respond accordingly. Then you travel somewhere to complete a task — work or school or another creative endeavor. You talk to people, here and there, gaining insight from shared conversations. Email, messages, and updates are checked again, before you move on to lunch. Then another task, more conversations and so on. Interspersed in there somewhere you grab a shower, get some sleep, hit the gym, and put the kids to bed. And repeat.
The underlying process and fundamental execution of your daily tasks all look the same — no matter if you’re striving for a moonshot project or implementing a new dietary regimen.
We often fail to make changes in our life because we’re afraid that pursuing the impossible means we will have to upend all the familiar processes we have in place. This isn’t necessarily the case. Yes, you will have to change who you converse with if you want to make it to Mars, just as you will have to change the way you eat if you wish to be healthier, but you still have to talk to people and you still have to eat. You still have to travel from place to place, check your email, and remain focused. It’s no different than any other day, with the caveat that in going after the impossible you can complete all the things you were already doing with a new sense of purpose.
If you can understand that doing the impossible — whatever that really means for you — isn’t going to be as unfamiliar as you think, then perhaps you will find the necessary confidence to press forward and go after the impossible.
227. you never know
You never know what is going to happen. As someone famous once said… “You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.” So, with that understanding, always be open to the situation you find yourself in. Approach the moments of wonder as equally as those of devastation.
Surrender to that which is unchangeable outside of you, and adapt what is within you. Have the presence of mind that nothing can ever really hurt you, as all our experiences are inherently “neutral.” It is our reaction to life’s events that determine how we move forward.
We can be grateful for how far we’ve come and the experiences we’ve had, or we can be tortured by the thoughts of what if. One will lead to a brighter tomorrow, while the other may keep us from it.
226. “alive”
Ever since I was little, I remember people asking me the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Publicly, I would always answer with some random profession to satisfy the curiosity of whoever it was that asked, as if that’s all this life is supposed to be about. But on my own, in private, when I really took the time to think about it, I’d answer… “when I grow up, I want to be alive.”
Looking back, I’m sure if I voiced that desire many people would think of me as morbid or pessimistic, and try to throw me in therapy, however I never saw it that way. It was more about being present and experiencing the world whenever that far off time of “grown up” decided to arrive. Regardless, the sentiment served me well to get through the next stage of my life.
At one point, I was so riddled with depression and sadness that I no longer wanted to exist. Revisiting the question from time to time, always returned the same answer. Being “alive” always sounded great. And with years of suicidal thoughts, being “alive” was a great goal to shoot for.
Obviously, I made it through those times, tough as they were, and on to the other side of that stage of my life, yet the question still remains… “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I still can’t come up with a better answer to that question than to be “alive.” However, the context is different now. It’s more than the literal — breathing, eating, moving, existing in this world; “alive” — and more the metaphorical “alive” that can only be realized through finding something that lights a fire inside you like finding Love, or Purpose, or Passion, or something along those lines.
I discovered fire. I was lucky enough to have found someone that allowed me to feel “alive” in the experience I shared with her. She opened me up to see the world differently. To see myself differently. “Alive,” no longer meant just existing within the world, it shifted toward wanting to build a new one. Together with her, and for her. Being “alive” became synonymous with the Love and happiness I felt toward this person. It was transformational. I never knew how good things could feel until I found someone whose peaks matched my valleys so exactly. We fit so amazingly well. The polarity was magnetizing. Everything came easy; the words, the passion, the intimacy, the connection, the chemistry. All the feelings and emotions that romance novels and great love stories are made of. The most incredible part is that every bond we connected on, every emotion we shared only grew stronger with the time we spent together. It was fucking amazing when we were together. Truly magic, if even for a moment.
This past year has been the most transformative time in my life. It’s a combination of figuring out how love is supposed to feel, and discovering who I am supposed to be. It’s provided me with a new interpretation of what being “alive” can mean. I’ve never felt more “me” than I do right now. I’ve never felt more alive.
Over the course of my life I’ve returned, again and again, to the question… “what do I want to do when I grow up?” And, I cannot think of a better answer than to be “alive.” However, with each stage of my life it’s taken on new meaning. From my youngest years of simply wanting to grow up. To my darker years of not wanting to die. To the present interpretation of equating “aliveness” (is that a word!?) with finding, experiencing, and expressing Love. The language has always remained the same, but with new experiences, came new meaning.
So, while I’ve answered the question the same way throughout the entirety of my life, the meaning has consistently changed. And I’m okay with that. We should never be too rigid, or strict on the words we use to define our life. They are meant to change, as are we and the words we use. Any introduction to a new experience opens us up to use our language in a new way. New context can change old content. We should always look for new meaning in how we tell our story. The context can change everything. It can light our world on fire, or burn it down. It’s all in the meaning and how we choose to see things.
I hope we all find someone or something that makes us feel “alive.”
our thoughts are no longer our own
Interesting ideas from the book Hardwired: How Our Instincts to Be Healthy are Making Us Sick by Robert S. Barrett
Not even our thoughts are our own anymore…
So powerful is our desire for social relevance that many of us follow the crowd and adopt their identity simply due to an eagerness to belong — this is a powerful theme with modern social media. We quickly adopt the narrative of the groups we want to fit into, hoping they will accept us, even if the decision to do so is completely irrational.* This effort to conform is known as Normative Influence, which results in conformity for the sole sake of belonging. Because we are all lost in autonomy, we are willing to bend our narrative just for a chance to fit in.
The modern world has magnified the appeal for belonging. Studies into normative social influence demonstrate that conformity is much stronger in public than in private, and because our lives are increasingly public, we tilt more and more to what we find will make us the most acceptable. From posting photos online, to uploading our children’s birthday party videos, to taking selfies at work, we are subtly shifting our true voice or story to fit the greater narrative we wish to be a part of.
In the famous Asch conformity experiments, when subjects were able to write their answers down anonymously, as opposed to stating them in front of the group, they were honest nearly all the time, unencumbered by the social pressures to conform to the group narrative.
Popular social media apps are rendering our private sphere public, and for many of us, conformity with online social media trends means greater peer acceptance. Conforming to group norms and attitudes are a hardwired trait, as we all want to belong. In one study, when teens and college students were shown social media images while in an fMRI, the images that elicited the greatest response in the brain’s reward center were the ones that had the most likes by others.** This suggests that we are not entirely free-thinkers when it comes to stating what we like or dislike any longer, but are subconsciously seeking to follow the trends of the group so that we don’t get left behind.
225. tribes
We used to be born into tribes. We didn’t have to find people from other countries or walks of life that share our values or ideas, and then try to create our own. We had very little choice in the matter, but what it gave us was a sense of belonging, identity, and continuity.
We didn’t have to figure out who we were because being born into a tribe inherently meant… “I know who I am, because I know who I am a part of.”
We didn’t have to wonder what to do because the tribe would automatically dictate our approach… “I know what to do, because, I do what I am told.”
We didn’t have to worry about finding purpose because our relationships were organized in a way that gave us a sense of duty and obligation… “I am happy when I fulfill the tasks that are expected of me.”
We weren’t raised for autonomy. We weren’t raised to use our words to say what we want. We were raised to know what other people want from us. Despite the gap in time, we are, to a large extent, still these people.
In the transition from childhood to adulting we are thrust into a world of autonomy, and most of us have no idea how to find our place in the modern world. Hence, the boom in the self-help book genre. We’re all looking to find our place. We have never been more free to make our own decisions, yet more alone in the process.
So, how can we overcome this challenge?
Unfortunately, I don’t see that there is any “quick fix” because, in a way, the whole concept of autonomy is going against human nature. We exist to work together. However, in finding your tribe, I think the best approach for any of us will be to focus more on ways of showing the world who you are comfortable being, rather than trying to find somewhere you’d like to fit in. Your tribe should gravitate toward you, not the other way around.
In essence, this whole concept of starting this blog and sharing my ideas is a way to find my place in the world. To work out my ideas and hopefully find others along the way. All we can really do is try, learn, adapt, and grow. And eventually, if we show up consistently, and with conviction, we’re bound to find our tribe.