Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

273. what caused the pain

Chances are we’re all going to get hurt at some point. To cope, we’ll go down different paths to find relief. In some cases it will create addictive behaviors or the reliance on a vice to the point where it raises concerns within the people who care about us the most. In response, those that care, make an effort to help by offering advice and support. And while well intentioned, attempts at inquiring about an addiction or trying to educate on the issues that a vice has been shown to cause is a mistake.

When we’re experiencing emotional pain, we’re looking to disassociate from what is causing it. We no longer want to be ourselves, so we seek escape, and unfortunately the routes we choose are often something worse. But the thing is, we’re all aware of the consequences, so it never becomes a matter of “let’s talk about the consequences of your addictive behavior.” It’s that the only escape from one sensation, is to search for a more extreme one that has the power to take us away and relieve the weight that is crushing us.

No amount of inquiry or education around the bad habits we’ve picked up as a coping mechanism will help us overcome them. What is needed is a genuine pursuit of why we resorted to the things we did. We need to stop asking about the addiction or vice, and start asking about what caused the pain. The only way we can help people heal from their bad habits is to understand how they started.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

270. one phrase

We’re all searching for something to fill a void. In our attempt at figuring it out, we’re inevitably pulled in different directions. Most likely chasing after money, power, or respect, to no avail. However, nothing is going to fill that void more perfectly than finding someone who see’s us for who we are under the mask of all the things we chase. No matter what we do, everything in this life is just a progression toward one phrase… “I love you.”

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

269. positive or negative

Fundamentally, I like to think things happen for a reason. But more importantly, when they do, I like to frame those events around a narrative that serves me, rather than becoming trapped in any initial reaction to the experience I’m having. This is definitely easier when the things that happen are positive, rather than negative. Yet, no matter whether they’re classified as “positive” or “negative”, they aren’t facts, but meanings I’ve attached.

The meaning I place on past events, play a large part in how I see the future unfolding. If I got a job, only to lose it, or fell in love only to have it disappear, it’s easy to attach negativity toward these things. However, if in that job, I learned new things that made me better at what I do, I can carry that toward my next position and have greater success; likewise, if falling in love unlocked a part of me that had previously been unknown, it doesn’t disappear, I get to keep it and express it in my next relationship. Everything can build upon it self if we let it.

I think that changing how we view things that happen to us is essential to upgrading our identity, how we see ourselves in the present, and who we can eventually build ourselves to be in the future. And it all starts with the way we relate to, and construct the narrative of our past.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

268. “made me feel”

We frequently use the words “made me feel.” We’ll say something like; this person made me feel bad because of what they said.

We use these words for their ease. They require no introspection of their use. We believe we’re just a simple bystander to the events that happen to us. Saying “made me feel” absolves us from the responsibility of having to understand where spontaneous feelings are coming from. But the thing is, no one outside of ourselves has the power to make us feel a certain way. The feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and even love are all coming from within you. Whatever triggers their response is what we need to call attention to, sit with, and explore.

In other words, the input doesn’t determine the output. Our response to what someone says or does to us, is our response. No one can insert a feeling within us. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stop making the mistake that other people can exert some level of control over how we feel or operate in our daily lives, and take the responsibility to create the interactions we want.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

265. reflection

Most people attach their sense of self-worth to the values and expectations placed upon them by their family or religious belief systems. But as these institutions fade away, each of us is charged with creating our own identity, and the burden has never been heavier. The situation leaves us with no guide or model to follow, so we constantly stare at ourselves in the mirror, negotiating our sense of self-worth and who we’re supposed to be.

Sociologist Eva Illouz points out that “the only place where you hope to stop that evaluation is in love. In love you become the winner of the contest, the first and only.” Being in love has the tendency to show us who we are, and more importantly who we can be. It inspires us. It breaks the old mirror we’re used to seeing ourselves in, dissolving the negotiation of who we should be, and replacing it with the idea of who we need to be in the eyes of the person we love.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

263. what gives light

If we seek to live a life that is only about pleasure, the moment it ceases to be fun or comfortable, we quit. However, if we can set aside our wish for immediate gratification by choosing to strive for something greater than can be delivered in a moment, we no longer have to fight the dis-ease or dis-comfort of the difficulties that may arise. Instead, we can accept what comes along as small sacrifices on our path toward a purposeful pursuit or a lasting love.

What give’s light, must endure the burning.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

260. a bucket of love

We’re attracted to people because they feel familiar.

We’re always trying to find what we didn’t receive from our parents, in people that are just like them. We don’t consciously make the choice to fall for someone just like our mother or father — in fact, if asked, I’m sure we would all agree that when searching for a partner, we want nothing that reminds us of our parents — but subconsciously we gravitate toward those people that most resemble them because the only way we can make sense of this world is by finding someone to fill the holes left by the ones that were most impressionable on us. Whether we are aware of it or not, they remind us of where we came from, what we miss, and what we need to fulfill.

Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. It really comes down to a bit of luck in stumbling on the person that wants to be part of our journey. Because we’re always going to be attracted to a certain type of people, we don’t need to seek them out. However, within that select group of people we gravitate towards, there are going to be a few that can provide us with the comfort we need to feel at home, AND also will work to give us the things that our parents weren’t able to provide.

We enter relationships searching for the love, attention, and admiration we couldn’t get from our parents, all the while oblivious to the fact that we’re looking for these things from the people that most resemble our fucking parents. The sooner we can realize that, the sooner we can understand what we need, what we are willing to put up with, and when we need to get the fuck out. There are going to be people that want to grow with you, and want to make you whole by giving you the things you need, but that isn’t something you should expect or try to force onto them. They have to find it on their own and then want to give it away. It’s beautiful when it happens, but rare because everyone will reach it at a different time. I think that’s one reason why relationships fail, it’s simply bad timing. People aren’t where they need to be to give the other what they need because they haven’t arrived at that point in their journey.

Full disclosure here… and I fucking hate this thought, but coming to this realization may make my life easier. In a parter, I’m looking for something I couldn’t get from my mother, from someone that reminds me of her. And that is fucking hard to say, because I don’t want anyone like her. I’ve swung the complete opposite direction and failed multiple times. But recently, I found this beautiful woman that feels like home, is dead sexy, and makes me feel alive when I’m with her, while at the same time inspires me to be more everyday. She fills me with the comfort of home, while patching up the punctures that had been left in my heart from years of neglect.

I look at it like this… we’re all a bucket full of holes. We enter relationships, dipping our bucket into the water. We feel content for a time because we found someone to fill us up, our bucket is full. But sooner or later if the people we choose aren’t willing, like us, to go on the journey to patch up the holes of our past, then the water quickly drains out, and the relationship fades. It’s rare to find a person that both fills you up and wants to mend your holes. It’s not a very elegant analogy, but you get the point. So, if two people can do this for each other, I can’t think of a better foundation for a relationship. If you can, PLEASE let me know.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

257. if you love something

We’ve all heard the saying… “if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” But what if I let go of something I love, only to have it return and then leave again? How many times does this sequence need to repeat before it realizes it’s mine, and I don’t have to be okay with letting it go again? Because there is so much nuance to each individual situation, it’s hard to paint an answer in broad strokes of black or white.

Love can be complicated, not in the sense of developing the feeling, but that once discovered, that emotion doesn’t always have room to grow due to the previous responsibilities or limitations of the life we, or the people we have come to love, have chosen. That’s what leads to the conflict, and incites the saying.. “if you love something let it go…” allowing for the other to figure out what is best for them, and we can do that because there is no judgement in love. So, I guess there is truth to the saying, but at what point do we accept the magnetism? How many times does the world need to spin upon itself to bring two people together before they finally realize they need to stop fucking around with fate?

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

249. the ultimate connection

The ultimate connection has us linked together both physically and emotionally. Yet, there are still some people who continue to argue that the more emotionally open and available you are, the worse the sex gets. But how does that even make sense? The more open and honest you are with yourself, the more you can communicate the things you like and wish to see from your partner. Don’t read this the wrong way, carnal pleasures can be great, but they’re limited to their physicality, whereas anyone who has experienced pleasure driven by emotional connection knows that it can be some next level shit.

Study after study show how emotional intimacy increases both sexual desire and sexual libido. And if you really take the time to sit down and think about it, it makes sense. Truly great sex is all rooted in the same categories as emotional intimacy: openness, communication, and trust. Being able to open up so that you can communicate specific desires while trusting your partner isn’t going to think you’re strange or crazy allows for the ultimate connection. Knowing the desires of another and the comfort to explore them openly creates experiences that never stagnate, but instead continue to build upon the last.

Simply put — showing your emotions can lead to some of the best sex of your life. And while we may think that passion and sexual chemistry fade over time, does it really have to? I think that if we can let go of our fears, and stories that prop them up, we will be able to connect on that deep emotional level, allowing us to grow together with each experience so that we can have the best sex of our life each time we have it.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

247. the guest house

The Guest House​

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Rumi

——————

Each new day invites chaos into our lives. We know it’s coming, yet instead of welcoming the “violent sweep,” we guard against its reckoning. No matter whether that life is actually working for us or not, it’s familiar so we establish routines and habits to mitigate any disruption and hold on to that way of life as tightly as we can. Yet, we forget that the universe was created out of chaos. All the subsequent beauty, love and grace that we see came out of a time where things were disrupted. Just imagine what we could be missing by trying to guard against the chaos so intently.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

241. sustained desire

Unfulfilled desire will always be met with disappointment. It’s frustrating to be denied a raise or turned down by that person at the bar. But, fulfilled desire also comes with its own flavor of loss. In getting what we want, we lose the thrill of wanting it. The yearning, the elaborate strategies, the fantasies, and all the energy wound tightly into wanting are exasperated upon acquisition.

Sound familiar? It has too. Just think about the last thing you had to have until you got it. Now that you have it, you may enjoy it, you may even love it, but do you still want it? How does that want compare to the first time it crossed your mind? It is definitely harder to want what you already have, for the obvious reason of owning it. It’s the law of diminishing returns telling us that with increased frequency comes a decrease in satisfaction. The more you use a product, the less satisfaction you’ll get with each subsequent use.

So if desire is always more intense than its requiting, are we doomed in our quest to find the one? Are our attempts at a loving relationship destined for staleness for lack of longing?

It is often said that people only want what they can’t have. This makes sense from the perspective of buying a new gadget, article of clothing or even sexual conquest, but I think that logic breaks down when it comes to love. You see, we cannot own a person in the same way we own our iPhone. People, the ones who we make our partner, are not finite entities for consumption, manufactured in a certain form to fill a specific function. They are organic individuals who think, learn, and grow from their life experiences. This gives them the ability to continuously transform throughout their lives.

If not, then yes, trade that mother fucker in. But that speaks directly to the point.

Because you can know the in’s and out’s of your iPhone, you will want a new one. This isn’t the same for people, because unlike a product, people change with new experiences and grow with new challenges over time. They have the capacity for growth which allows them to continuously transform over the course of the relationship.

The problem isn’t that love is doomed to fail based on the loss of desire, it’s in finding a partner that grows in the same direction as the path you’re walking. In doing so, you will realize their mystery is forever ungraspable. And as soon as we can understand this, sustained desire becomes a real possibility.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

outgrowing your parents

what do you do if you out grow your parents?

I was raised by narcissistic children. Both my mother and father were and continue to be victims. I never seemed to do anything right in search of the love I wanted and needed. How was I supposed to put into words the things I inherently needed but have no idea how to conceptualize? I’m was fucking child. I feel like that is the responsibility of parents, to provide concepts of love, comfort, safety, and understanding so that a child can become a strong and resiliently minded individual. Looking back, I never had that. I was their precious child and at the same time never allowed to be one. It fucked me up for over 30 years.

I don’t know if this is some magical time in my life but I am now older than my parents were when they had me. And I feel more mature than they are now and ever have been, so what do you do if you out grow your parents? How fucking sad is that question? This isn’t growing apart or distant, this is like taking the 40 year old self you’ve become and trying to have a relationship with your highschool self. How do you grow from that situation?

Relationships are only beneficial as both parties stand to gain some type of positivity from one another. Are parents supposed to be any different? I’m not saying to brush them off or disrespect them or never talk to them again, but if you are the sum of the people you hold closest to your heart, and your parents on their best possible day will never be able elevate you to who you wish to become, are you supposed to keep them close simply because they’re your parents or keep them at arms distance because they can only hinder your progress as an individual? It’s a tough question. And as always, there is no right answer.

I don’t think there is any justification for keeping anyone close to you if they don’t wish to continuously grow with you. It shouldn’t matter if they gave birth to you or not. People are still people and if they aren’t making you better they are keeping you from getting better. It’s really fucking sad because I wish I had a family. I wish I had someone to love like a mother. Someone to call and tell them how I feel and how good I am doing in life and have them be proud. Someone to seek advice from. Someone to talk to. But I don’t. And it’s sad, but it’s all part of my story.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

238. thirty day rule

Based on the last 30 days of interacting with your partner, your employer, or any other relationship, would they bring you back for another 30 days or could they find someone better to replace you?

If you are honest with yourself, the likely answer for most of us is “No.” The way you’ve shown up over the last 30 days is out of habit, or fear, or comfort, not the excitement or passion that consumed us over the first 30 days.

You show up day after day because it’s easy. It’s easy because it’s familiar. You can zone out, and make it through the day on autopilot. You are present without really having presence. You’re there, but you’re not because you checked out a long time ago.

Think back to the first interaction with your partner, the first interview for that job you wanted, the first sparks of passion you felt for the commitment you now simply show up for. Think about all the excitement you felt during those first 30 days. Now think about how much of that person still exists today.

Would your partner or employer re-up for another 30 days, based on the last 30?

In speaking on relationships, Esther Perel says that “your partner is a lease, with an option to renew.” Extending that metaphor to the broader context of this post — the relationship, or career path, or any situation you find yourself in is not a life sentence. They’re all experiences we have controlling interest in. There is no obligation to keep going. If the last 30 days aren’t in line with the first what’s the point of continuously renewing. If you aren’t showing up with the same fervor or feeling as you once did maybe it’s time to trade it in.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

237. willingness

We all want to be free, but what does that really mean? We seem to think it’s the ability to do whatever we want, yet we would be wrong. Freedom isn’t the ability to do whatever we want, it’s the willingness to do so.

We think, “if I only had this much money or that much time, I could finally have the freedom to do what I wanted.” But that’s bullshit. If we were really forced to make a change, we would most likely realize we already have enough money and time to make the necessary changes that would put us on a path toward the life we want. Will it be perfect? Probably not, but that’s freedom.

We have a lot more freedom than our excuses allow us to believe. The things we tell ourselves are just stories to keep us in familiar territory because we are afraid of the consequences or the push back or the unknown that actually comes with the willingness to be free. We aren’t lacking freedom because we’re missing some liberating force in our lives, we lack freedom because we are stuck in our ways.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

235. accept what happened

If we can translate our mess into meaning, then we can free ourselves from the burden it creates, instead of simply trying to find our way through or fix it. This isn’t the same as being overtly positive about the negative emotions or situations we encounter, rather its about accepting what has happened. Pause and learn from the situation. In this way, we can embrace those negative emotions that come from the undesirable situations as part of a larger process.

In her book entitled, Own Your Self, Kelly Brogan cites a 1,300 person study which “revealed that accepting negative emotions rather than suppressing, fighting, or otherwise papering them over led to the experience of fewer negative emotions.” It’s like the old thought experiment of asking someone not to think of the pink elephant — when we try not to, that’s all we can think about. Similarly, if we’re trying not to think about the negative consequences of the troubling experience we’re going through in our life it’s going to weigh much heavier on us than if we were to accept the situation for what it is.

Brogan goes on to say that, “when we stop fighting what we’re feeling — scared, alone, abandoned, angry — we spend less time focusing on what’s wrong in our life that needs fixing.” Whether it’s losing our job or experiencing heartbreak, the only way forward is through the acceptance of what happened, that the sun will rise tomorrow, and you will be okay.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

234. choosing another

How do you deal with someone you love choosing another over you? Well, if you really love that person, you will honor their choice because love doesn’t judge. It has no agenda. It just is.

All you can really do is think about the beautiful time you spent with that person, whether it was a week, a month, or a year. Find gratitude for the time you were able to experience that person and who you became because of that relationship, instead of feeling depression for the absence of them. Yes, it’s going to hurt for a time and that’s okay because you’re human. There are going to be painful waves of emotion, but after a while they will subside and when they do you will be ready for loves next swell to overtake you.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

232. the dance of love

The paradox of love is that it requires a balance between two opposing forces: surrender and autonomy. We can only find togetherness, if we are able to maintain our separateness. As Esther Perel says in Mating in Captivity, “with too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter.”

In this way, love is a dance. Watch any dancing couple, you will see that much of the time they exist together as one on the dance floor, while they’re isolated from one another at other times so they can fulfill their unique movements that create the performance. Holding each other in a tight embrace, not moving, is only interesting in the contrast of the separateness and explicit movements that follow. When people come together — in a relationship or in the expression of dance — connection is no longer able to happen as there isn’t anyone to connect with. Thus, separateness becomes necessary to create the potential for connection.

Read More
231. hinging your tomorrows on yesterday
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

231. hinging your tomorrows on yesterday

Not everything is meant to last forever. But the end of something doesn’t mean you failed. It more likely means the thing you’re after is failing you. Who you’ve become in the process can no longer be fulfilled by whatever it is you’re afraid to fail at. And in trying, you’re not opening yourself up to the possibility of something that can fulfill the new person you’ve become. You’re hinging your tomorrows on yesterday.

We have to realize that there is a distinction between what is worth saving and what is worth walking away from. But we all want there to be definitive answers, so we wait for absolutes, and that’s the biggest mistake because they never come. We’re always going to be at battle with “what if?”

Our decisions are always going to come with conflict. In choosing to walk away from old systems and toward greater possibilities, sometimes we also have to come to terms with letting go of what was great about the old system.

As I like to say, “there are no right answers, but there are wrong ones.” This life is about forward progress and momentum. If the situation you find yourself in isn’t moving you forward, or at least allowing you to maintain the momentum toward the life you want, then it’s important to periodically ask, “is this system serving who I want to become, or holding me back?” Pay attention to the themes.

The answers are never simple and choices will always be hard, but nothing worth it comes easy.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

230. behind every criticism

Behind every criticism is a wish waiting to be realized.

We critically ask…

“Why didn’t you ask me about my day?”
“Why didn’t you thank me?”
“Why didn’t you say something nice?”
“Why didn’t you say good morning?”

Instead of saying what we really mean…

“I wish you would show interest in my day, gratitude for my actions, appreciation for my deeds, or acknowledgement of my presence.”

If we say we wished another person did something, we have to put ourselves out there, on the line. It means we want something. It opens us up to be refused, rejected, unheard, or unseen. And if those needs aren’t met, it can be devastating.

To save ourselves from the potential of a painful interaction, we place the responsibility of what we’re truly after onto another by asking a critical question. Instead of saying what we want, we’ll say what they didn’t do. Questioning another by asking, “Why didn’t you do this?” or “What’s wrong with you?” feels better in some bizarre way than to tell the person what you actually want. That’s the wish, veiled in criticism.

We’re all so very complicated. Trying to figure out ways to get what we want, as if there is ever going to be a better way than simply asking. Don’t make things more difficult than they need to be. Don’t place the responsibility of figuring out your needs onto another. Don’t criticize. Be direct. Ask for what you want. You’ll get it a lot sooner, and with less tumult.

Read More
Ryan Crossfield Ryan Crossfield

i just want to wake up with you

the world turned to bring us closer
it spun on itself and within us
and joined us together in this dream.
separated from reality, we fell for each other
in the twilight hours we explored
ourselves, our feelings, our future
You, and I, quickly became Us
in that transformation we grew together
broken in all the right places, we fit.
we were the completion of a circuit
setting each other free, to feel, to love
to see, to experience electricity.
it is all so real, but unrealized
as our love is left in the darkness of the night
and that’s the problem with dreams…

i just want to wake up with you.

Read More