284. imaginary threats
We suffer more in imagination than in reality. It’s easy to overestimate threats that may exist with action, while underestimating the threats that come with inaction, when all those ideas are trapped in our head. We often let fear of the unknown control our decisions, so we settle for inaction because at least it’s something we know how to deal with. But if we are settling then we aren’t truly living to our potential.
To get over the hurdle of inaction, and overcome imaginary threats, a good exercise is to make a list of the worst things that can happen. Literally take them out of your imagination and write them down. Sit with them. See them for what they are. And then next to each one, write your best solution. In doing so, you can reduce the burden of what to do if this or that ends up happening. The biggest problem we have is the unknown, but if we write down the worst things our imagination can come up with, and then create a solution for each one, the unknown is not really something to be fearful of any more. That freedom will allow us to move forward onto something that may be more fulfilling than what we are currently settling for.
283. two journey’s
We take two journey’s.
The first is the Hero’s Journey, popularized by Joseph Campbell. It takes us from believing that we are what our parents or society told us to be, to shedding those ideals, and going through the process of uncovering who we truly are, where we eventually take on a new identity.
The second, is that of the Artist’s Journey. It’s what Steven Pressfield refers to as “bringing our gift to the world.” It’s the act of living our purpose. It’s the special thing we uncovered in the process of completing the Hero’s Journey that inspires us to show up in the world, and is what provides for the Artist’s Journey to take place. For example, if we find that expressing ourselves through the medium of writing is what allows us to be the person we want to be, then writing is what we need to do. The Artist’s Journey is about showing up in the world and using that special thing that motivates you to be creative or productive.
Think of it like this… the first half of our lives we are creating a vessel to be filled, and in the second — after we know what it takes to live with purpose and find fulfillment in our actions — we fill the vessel.
Both journey’s are of equal challenge and importance, but the sooner we can build our vessel, the sooner we can live with purpose.
282. better interactions
Most of the problems we encounter with one another arise from our lack of clear and concise communication. Here are a few tips to think about when we’re interacting with someone. Hopefully, with a greater awareness of our thoughts and the words we choose to express them, we can create better, more productive conversations.
Be willing to ask for help.
- Ask for help whenever you need to.
- Remind yourself that if you need something, most people will be happy to help if they can.
- Use clear, intimate communication to ask for what you want, explaining your feelings and the reasons behind your request.
- Trust that most people will listen if you ask them to.
Be yourself, whether people accept you or not.
- State your thoughts clearly and politely, without malice, and do not try to control how people receive it.
- Do not give more energy than you really have.
- Instead of trying to please, give other people a true indication of how you feel.
- Don't volunteer for something if you think you'll resent it later.
- If someone says something you find offensive, you don't need to let the statement go. Try to offer an alternative viewpoint, but don't base the success of the conversation on whether you can change the other person's mind.
Sustaining and appreciating emotional connections.
- Make a point of keeping in touch with people you care about, and returning their messages.
- Think of yourself as someone who can give and receive help from your community of friends.
- Even when people aren't saying the "right" thing, tune into whether they're trying to help. If their effort feels genuine, and makes you feel emotionally nurtured, express your gratitude.
- When someone irritates you, do not say the first thing that comes to mind, think about what you can say to improve the situation and create a mutual understanding. If necessary, wait until you cool off and then ask if the other person is willing to revisit the situation.
Have reasonable expectations.
- Keep in mind that being perfect isn't always necessary. Getting things done is often better than obsessing over getting everything perfect. Adjustments can usually be made after the fact.
- When you get tired, rest or do something different. Your level of physical energy and focus will alert you to when you're doing too much. Don't wait for an accident or produce poor quality work if your head isn't in it.
- When you make a mistake, just remember you're human. Even if you think you've anticipated everything, there will always be unexpected hurdles from time to time.
- Remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and for expressing their needs clearly. Beyond common courtesy, it isn't up to you to guess what others want.
Communicate clearly and actively seek preferred outcomes.
- Don't expect people to know what you need unless you tell them. Having someone care about you doesn't mean they automatically know what you're feeling.
- If the people closest to you upset you, use the feelings of pain to identify your underlying need. Then use clear, intimate communication to provide guidance on how they could give it to you.
- When your feelings are hurt, try to understand your reaction first. Did something trigger feelings from your past, or did the person really treat you insensitively? If someone was insensitive, ask them to hear you out.
- Be thoughtful to other people, and if they aren't thoughtful in return, ask them to be more considerate in the future, and then let it go.
- Ask for something as many times as it takes to get a clear answer.
- When you get tired of interacting, politely speak up, asking if there is anyway to continue at another time. Kindly explain that your capacity has been reached at the moment.
281. how do we create our Self?
How do we create our Self?
Most of us think there isn’t much we can control about our Self. We’ve been conditioned to think we come into this world with a series of preset instructions on how to be. Whatever genetics we were born with or circumstances we were born into is pretty much a blueprint for our path forward in life, with many things out of our control. We say, “this is just how I am,” but is it really?
The long held idea of genetic determinism; the concept that whatever genetics we popped out with, we’re stuck with because we can’t change, grow, or evolve from, is what keeps us stuck. It’s a pervasive thought that has taken over the way we view our Self. Inevitably leading us to believe we can’t create our Self, because it’s already been created for us.
Fortunately, the tide is beginning to turn on these long held beliefs of a fixed Self. While genetics play a part, they are not the determining factor for the life we lead. As Dr. Terry Walhs puts it; “The genes load the gun, but the environment pulls the trigger.” While we are born with a certain set of genetics and into certain cultural belief systems, it’s largely a choice to see any of them as a limitation. We can choose to put our Self into a healthier environment (proper nutrition, exercise, etc.) to change our familial susceptibility to something like heart disease, just as we can choose to put our Self into a different mindset that will allow us to see possibilities outside of what is familiar to us.
The things we do, and the choices we make, determine how we show up in this world. Coming to the understanding that the life we were born into isn’t set in stone, and that any limitations are largely self-imposed, opens us up to have new conversations about creating a Self we want. Entertaining new possibilities that would have otherwise been unrecognizable with our previously fixed mindset.
So how can we create our Self? Forget the old ideals of predeterminism. Understand that the life we lead is a choice that only we have the power to make. We can choose to believe what we’re born with is all we’re capable of, or just a starting point to where we want to go. Creating our Self starts with creating our future. To do that, we have to begin to make choices based on where we want to go instead of where we came from. And with each choice, we create a piece of our new Self.
280. right person, wrong time
What happens if you find the right person at the wrong time? When I say the right person, I mean someone who you share a connection with that is unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. Exciting, but familiar. Comfortable, but never boring. Inspired, but safe in being who you are. There’s a perfect match in polarity. What you lack is uplifted by the other, and vice versa. Where physical attraction, spiritual passion, and sexual desire only grow deeper with each meeting. And no matter the space in between those shared times together, it’s like no time had passed at all. It’s everything that you read about in love stories and watch in romantic movies come true. Now condense all that down into one person, and that’s what I mean when I say the right person. Such a presence. And so hard to deny.
What if, you find someone who gives you all these things, and who says you do all the same for them, but that person is in a relationship with someone else? And it’s very unlikely that you’ll ever be together to realize your full potential because there are so many variables standing in your way. What is the right course of action for times like this? Am I supposed to walk away because it’s never going to happen or continue to fight for the best feeling I’ve ever had with another human being? It’s sad and tragic to think that the universe would deliver this beautiful person to me, who provides everything I need to be the person I aspire to become, yet I’ll never be able to truly exist with them. It’s the classic case of the “right person at the wrong time.”
279. saying no
Some of us don’t know what we need because we never take the time to stop and ask. We’re too busy saying “yes” to anything that comes our way. Maybe it’s because we feel obligated to say “yes” so we can be liked or feel included, but what if what we’re agreeing to doesn’t’ align with our needs? Eventually, those situations we so eagerly agree to at first, start to feel more and more like burdens over time. And most often, instead of coming to the realization that we’re in control of our decisions, we complain that other people are taking advantage of us.
In all our efforts to fit in and feel special, we’ve conditioned ourselves to automatically say “yes” without the benefit of asking ourselves whether the situation we are agreeing to is really in line with what we need or simply an attempt at feeling included or loved. We forgot how to put ourselves first. We forgot that each “yes” is still our decision to make.
That split second after someone asks if we would like to do this or that should be filled with a moment of introspection; “is what this person is asking of me, really what I need right now, or am I saying ‘yes’ out of habit, just to feel included?” The sooner we can get away from our automatic “yes,” the sooner we can leave behind any negative feelings of obligation that come with it. We need to break the habit of saying “yes” and take responsibility for our decisions so that we can figure out what we really need.
278. proving the process
We all want to improve some aspect of our lives. Most of our attempts come through the act of goal setting. Unfortunately, as good as goals can be as an initial motivator, they come with a downside of becoming useless once achieved. So we’re constantly tasked with setting new goals, which may work for some people, but for others, it’s likely that the continued sacrifice and grind of denying who we are or how we want to live to achieve something can take a toll until we eventually quit altogether. But there’s a better way to look at it.
Instead of goal setting being black and white, either achieved or not, think of it as a testing process. To see what works, what doesn’t, and what can be implemented into a longterm process of achieving, instead of achievement. There is no point in denying ourselves the things we enjoy or sacrificing parts of our life to achieve something, only to say we achieved a result for a brief moment before we revert back to doing the things we enjoyed.
The simplest way to achieve something is usually not the most sustainable or easiest way for us to get there, and that’s okay. The simplest way to achieve a weight loss goal is to severely restrict calories and workout intensely. The simplest way to achieve a goal of financial independence is to stop spending money and work feverishly. While either goal is admirable, the sacrifice it takes to achieve them likely isn’t sustainable for the majority of us, because simple doesn’t equal easy.
It’s better to use our attempts at achieving goals to figure out small things that we can stick with and implement into our lives, so that over time we can achieve what we’re after without having to sacrifice all our fun and enjoyment. Pretty soon, those small things we’ve added in, simply become part of the process of our daily lives, not part of a goal we’re trying to achieve. And because we continue to add those small parts in, we can arrive at the same end point of a healthy weight or hefty bank account while not having to worry about regressing or falling back into old habits.
We will be better off if we can reframe the process of constant goal achievement, into a process of achieving. In the end, we’ll no longer need a goal when our process is proven over time.
277. how the events unfold
There are a lot of bad things that can happen. If we aren’t careful, we can slip into a belief that the universe is conspiring against us. But it’s not. It’s our beliefs that set the tone for what we expect, and which lay the foundation for how we contextualize what happens.
Whether we are defiantly positive or indubitably negative, we go through the day subconsciously looking to confirm either belief. For example, we can view getting stuck in traffic in two totally different ways; in a positive sense, it gives us extra time to finish that podcast; adversely, it can be seen as the universe throwing obstacles in our way to keep us from getting to work at a reasonable pace.
It’s all in how we choose to see how the events unfold. And because there is a choice, it’s always going to be better to think things are happening for us, instead of to us.
276. authentic love
Something I’ve learned is that for a relationship to work, and more importantly have the potential to thrive, it can’t be used as a means to fill any voids or wounds caused by our past. If either participant is looking for rescue or validation through the love of another, the relationship isn’t going to work.
A healthy relationship is one that can provide a welcoming space for mutual evolution. This sentiment is, as Dr. Nicole LePera puts it, “the essence of authentic love.” She goes on to say that, “when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed, authentic love doesn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration.”
Authentic love is one that feels more like home, than a drug. It definitely has the power to take you on a ride, but it’s not going to create dependence. Any high comes from the realization that life is better with this person, not because of them. It’s rooted in the awareness that this person isn’t there to fix you, heal you, or make up for all the traumas you’ve experienced in your past, but with this person around, sharing a life is much more enjoyable and because of this there is always an inspiration for continual growth, both independently and as a couple.
275. the average
We all exist as potential. Most of the time we don’t realize what we can be because we’re too stuck in the ways we were. It’s hard to get out of the loop of doing what’s familiar so that we can realize what else is possible. Part of that process is becoming vulnerable enough to recognize our faults and want to improve upon them.
Another part is having people in our lives who inspire us to make those changes because they themselves are doing the same. As the saying goes; “we are the average of the 5 people we spend most of our time with.” So if those people aren’t reflecting the values and aspirations we hold highest in ourselves or pushing us to realize our potential, then most likely they are holding us back from realizing it. And I think the hardest part about this is that it isn’t unique to friends, it is all encompassing from family members, to significant others, to business partners. Sometimes who we have in our lives, isn’t who should be there.
274. every choice comes with exclusion
Every choice comes with exclusion. Our ability to choose is valuable, in that it gives us the power to create our story. We weigh our options, then choose the best one for us in the moment. Sometimes the choices can be made fairly easily, other times they can be devastatingly hard. In either case, there is always a loss to endure. We inevitably have to give up on one narrative to allow for a chance at another to grow.
273. what caused the pain
Chances are we’re all going to get hurt at some point. To cope, we’ll go down different paths to find relief. In some cases it will create addictive behaviors or the reliance on a vice to the point where it raises concerns within the people who care about us the most. In response, those that care, make an effort to help by offering advice and support. And while well intentioned, attempts at inquiring about an addiction or trying to educate on the issues that a vice has been shown to cause is a mistake.
When we’re experiencing emotional pain, we’re looking to disassociate from what is causing it. We no longer want to be ourselves, so we seek escape, and unfortunately the routes we choose are often something worse. But the thing is, we’re all aware of the consequences, so it never becomes a matter of “let’s talk about the consequences of your addictive behavior.” It’s that the only escape from one sensation, is to search for a more extreme one that has the power to take us away and relieve the weight that is crushing us.
No amount of inquiry or education around the bad habits we’ve picked up as a coping mechanism will help us overcome them. What is needed is a genuine pursuit of why we resorted to the things we did. We need to stop asking about the addiction or vice, and start asking about what caused the pain. The only way we can help people heal from their bad habits is to understand how they started.
272. “wrong” decisions
What’s really going on when we’re confused about a given situation? Obviously, there’s a conflict between what we want to do and what we think we should do. Simply put, we’re always worried about making the “wrong” decision. But what if there aren’t any “wrong” decisions for us to make, only “right” ones? What if every decision we make is the “right” one for us in that moment?
If we can approach all decisions with this attitude, it will take up less of our mental capacity and cause less tension in our day-to-day lives. Ultimately allowing us to lean into whatever decision we make with confidence. And, in the end, either decision will provide us with the clarity about a situation we were previously confused about. In reality, the only “wrong” thing we can do in any situation is waver back-and-forth, deciding on nothing, finding security in stagnation. It creates no clarity, no awareness, and no need to make adjustments with how to continue moving forward.
271. reflections in the mirror
Do we ever really know ourselves? Are we ever really given a chance? From the moment we pop out, and into this world, we’re imprinted with the customs and beliefs of those around us. It makes us who we think we are and from that point forward, life becomes a constant search for mirrors that reflect those original ideals back onto us. But at a certain point, we need to be comfortable enough with ourselves to question the validity of what those mirrors are actually showing us.
Are they reflecting what we want to see because it’s familiar and therefore comfortable, or are they showing us what we need to see in order to grow by challenging our comforts? Chances are, most of us are looking for a reflection that says “I’m okay just as I am. I’m good.” And while I agree that we all need to be comfortable with who we are, it definitely shouldn’t be because anyone else says so.
We have the ability to choose the mirrors we look into, therefore we can always see what we want. But if what is reflected back at us doesn’t challenge us to improve, it isn’t serving us, it is only reconfirming that the beliefs and ideals we already hold are good enough. And that is never gong to allow us to break free from who we’ve been taught to be. We need to seek out and surround ourselves with people or groups who challenge our long held beliefs, and who inspire us to break the mirror we are used to peering into so that we can aspire to be more than a simple reflection of our original ideals.
270. one phrase
We’re all searching for something to fill a void. In our attempt at figuring it out, we’re inevitably pulled in different directions. Most likely chasing after money, power, or respect, to no avail. However, nothing is going to fill that void more perfectly than finding someone who see’s us for who we are under the mask of all the things we chase. No matter what we do, everything in this life is just a progression toward one phrase… “I love you.”
269. positive or negative
Fundamentally, I like to think things happen for a reason. But more importantly, when they do, I like to frame those events around a narrative that serves me, rather than becoming trapped in any initial reaction to the experience I’m having. This is definitely easier when the things that happen are positive, rather than negative. Yet, no matter whether they’re classified as “positive” or “negative”, they aren’t facts, but meanings I’ve attached.
The meaning I place on past events, play a large part in how I see the future unfolding. If I got a job, only to lose it, or fell in love only to have it disappear, it’s easy to attach negativity toward these things. However, if in that job, I learned new things that made me better at what I do, I can carry that toward my next position and have greater success; likewise, if falling in love unlocked a part of me that had previously been unknown, it doesn’t disappear, I get to keep it and express it in my next relationship. Everything can build upon it self if we let it.
I think that changing how we view things that happen to us is essential to upgrading our identity, how we see ourselves in the present, and who we can eventually build ourselves to be in the future. And it all starts with the way we relate to, and construct the narrative of our past.
268. “made me feel”
We frequently use the words “made me feel.” We’ll say something like; this person made me feel bad because of what they said.
We use these words for their ease. They require no introspection of their use. We believe we’re just a simple bystander to the events that happen to us. Saying “made me feel” absolves us from the responsibility of having to understand where spontaneous feelings are coming from. But the thing is, no one outside of ourselves has the power to make us feel a certain way. The feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and even love are all coming from within you. Whatever triggers their response is what we need to call attention to, sit with, and explore.
In other words, the input doesn’t determine the output. Our response to what someone says or does to us, is our response. No one can insert a feeling within us. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stop making the mistake that other people can exert some level of control over how we feel or operate in our daily lives, and take the responsibility to create the interactions we want.
267. flip the script
Most of us are so immersed in our concept of the world, so unconscious of the narrative we have constructed for ourselves, that we aren’t aware it’s just a script continuously running through our minds. We believe our script is a representation of “us” or our “true selves,” but in reality, it is just our thoughts. We feel so strongly about their truth because we practice these thoughts and ideas all day long, reinforcing their assimilation into our identity with each passing day.
It’s not obvious — until it’s pointed out — that we are not our thoughts, but we practice them so much that we start to identify with their meaning. We practice them from the time we get up in the morning, to the time we go to bed in the evening. And they’re even reinforced in our dreams as we sleep. We practice our thoughts so consistently, and for so long, that we get to the point where we aren’t even aware we are practicing them. We label these thoughts as “us,” but they’re not — they’re just something we’re thinking.
It’s important to understand that we are the thinker of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. A lot of the time, the thoughts and ideas that have defined who we are and how we approach the world are simply remnants of a past experience that is no longer serving us. Pay attention to the thoughts that come up automatically, you’re bound to realize that many of them are just part of the script you’ve been running forever.
266. realizing a past trauma
When I was young, my mother would always ask me things like, “Why can’t you be this way?” or “Why can’t you be more like that person?” This led me to believe there was something inherently wrong with me. I was never good enough. I think that belief has followed me throughout my life, and became one of the reasons why I got into personal training / health coaching. I wanted so badly for someone to say, “Thank you. You are so great. You’ve helped me. And I appreciate who you are.”
It’s interesting to reflect on the paths we take. To really sit and wonder why. For myself, I try so hard to be good at what I do, that I’m often questioned, why I try so hard or what’s the purpose of continuously taking more classes? It’s very frustrating for me to hear these things. I have always justified them as a need to learn more so that I can be better at helping people, but I think a better reason is that I am just looking to be seen for what I can do and loved for what I am good at. With each new bit of information or protocol I learn, I am able to stand out in the eyes of the people that I help.
I think past traumas play a part in dictating all of our lives. The unfortunate part is that most of us will never take the time to develop the awareness that is needed to heal them. So we hold onto them thinking that the trauma is just who we are, when in reality it is just keeping us from all that we could be.
265. reflection
Most people attach their sense of self-worth to the values and expectations placed upon them by their family or religious belief systems. But as these institutions fade away, each of us is charged with creating our own identity, and the burden has never been heavier. The situation leaves us with no guide or model to follow, so we constantly stare at ourselves in the mirror, negotiating our sense of self-worth and who we’re supposed to be.
Sociologist Eva Illouz points out that “the only place where you hope to stop that evaluation is in love. In love you become the winner of the contest, the first and only.” Being in love has the tendency to show us who we are, and more importantly who we can be. It inspires us. It breaks the old mirror we’re used to seeing ourselves in, dissolving the negotiation of who we should be, and replacing it with the idea of who we need to be in the eyes of the person we love.