314. choosing the ones we do
We all want to lead enjoyable lives with people who set our soul on fire. Yet, much of the time we trade the attributes we’re most passionate about for the security or stability of something less fulfilling — be it financial or otherwise. And while that isn’t necessarily wrong, is it right to give up on something that can make you feel better than anything else, just to feel comfortable in a relationship that isn’t truly fulfilling you? I would say no, for the simple fact that stifling your needs will never allow you to recognize your true potential as an individual and impact the world in the most meaningful way. Finding someone who can light your soul on fire provides inspiration, whereas settling for security leaves you longing for the things that can make you whole. But, I don’t speak for everybody and ultimately, it is circumstances that dictate our narratives and the reasoning behind why we inevitably choose the relationships we do.
So, while it is admirable that certain people can slough off the need for security to follow their heart, it is a bit conceited to think that those who don’t are any less. At the end of the day, we all make decisions that are right for us in the moment. Security may be what some people need to develop into the person that chases their passion in the future; alternatively, aligning with someone who inspires you into action may be the best way to feel secure and achieve the life you’re after. We’re all different. Some of us will have our hearts broken, becoming casualties in the wake of another’s transformation, but if we’re lucky we’ll find the right person, at the right time, who chooses to walk the same path and wants to share in co-creating a narrative together.
313. we’re all ignorant
This isn’t meant to be disparaging, but we’re all ignorant. In Americanese, being labeled as ignorant is generally seen as an insult, yet by definition, it simply means “lacking awareness.”
In Buddhism, “ignorance” is a rough translation of the word Avidyā, which is Sanskrit for having a misunderstanding of the true nature of our reality and the truth of our impermanence. Even when the news continuously tells us that the sky is falling and we are less than what we could be, most of us are unaware of how good we have it, and so, many of us settle into dis-ease, unhappiness, and end up chasing the wrong things.
So what are the wrong things?
Seeing life as a checklist to fulfill instead of an experience to behold. We think we need to go to school to get a good job; then meet our significant other to get married; then buy a house to raise a family; then save up for that new car, retirement and our children’s college fund. It’s the American Dream, right? Except that it may very well be a dream to think that this is what will create a life we’re genuinely happy with. And it’s unlikely that that plan will materialize perfectly, and even if it does, then what? Do we settle? No, we just add more items to the checklist.
It’s the nature of desire to get one thing and immediately covet the next. This cycle of accomplishment and acquisition likely won’t make us happy, but instead distract us from doing the work that will.
312. form implies function
The way we look speaks volumes about our health because of the simple fact that form implies function.
When a racehorse breeder sees obvious disruptions in healthy growth, they naturally consider the nutritional context in which the animal was raised. If a prize-winning mare gives birth to a foal with abnormally bowed legs, the veterinarian recognizes that something went wrong — asking the logical question: what was the mother eating?
Applying this example to children, rarely do physicians ask the same question, even when life-threatening problems show up at birth. And we continue to neglect the nutrition-development equation when people develop scoliosis, joint malformations, autism, schizophrenia, and other maladaptive issues later in life.
Our desire for beauty is not solely a matter of vanity. The way we look speaks volumes about our health because of the simple fact that form implies function. Less attractive facial features are less functional. Children with suboptimal skull structure may need glasses or braces, whereas those with a more ideal architecture won’t. This is because suboptimal architecture impairs development of normal geometry, leading to imperfectly formed facial features; whether it’s the eyes, ears, nose, or jaw.
For example: narrow nasal passages irritate the mucosa, increasing the chances of rhinitis and allergies. When the airway in the back of the throat is improperly formed, a child may suffer from sleep apnea, which stares the brain of oxygen necessary for normal brain development.
Frederick Douglas once said that “it’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Yet, with our complete avoidance of looking at the root of the problem and addressing the nutritional and environmental factors, it is getting increasingly more difficult to even build strong children.
311. questioning failures
Failure is inevitable, yet we are so scared of it that we’re willing to do almost anything to avoid it, minimize its impact, or completely deny its existence. In doing so, we only exacerbate our shortcomings by refusing to accept and learn from what a failed experience can teach us. Instead of retracting, minimizing or denying, it’s imperative to take ownership of what we have done, fully admit to our mistakes and failures, so that we can learn the lessons they teach and figure out how to prevent them from happening again.
A simple exercise in ownership comes from the book Sovereignty, by Ryan Michler, where seeking to reframe how we look at our experiences, he puts forth the following line of questioning…
Instead of asking, “whose fault is this?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
Instead of asking, “why didn’t ____________ do ____________?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure ____________ gets done next time?”
Instead of asking, “why am I surrounded by incompetent people?” ask yourself, “what can I do to surround myself with competent people?”
The first set of questions do nothing to improve the situation, whereas the second focuses on what can be done to improve the situation. The quality of our outcomes will be determined by our responses to the failures we will inevitably come up against. By taking ownership of the situation, and asking the right questions to move forward, we can make the best out of any bad experience.
310. soulmate
The modern idea of the soulmate is a yearning for connection and love that people in the ancient past would have sought through a connection with a higher power. It seems like a more appropriate path for this impulse to be guided along.
If we make a person a soulmate or a redeemer, what are we going to do when they let us down? What is a relationship, other than a reflection of ourselves? Do we ever really know a person or only the aspects of them you interact with. I’m sure we all know someone where we’ve been surprised to find they had a second life. But why? We’re always changing.
The idea of a soulmate is the materialization of an impulse that belongs in the realm of the sublime. It shouldn’t be epitomized. It shouldn’t be symbolized. It has to be lived. We can’t continually look for objects of fulfillment, whether they be relationships or possessions. Instead we need to look within ourselves, and understand we are beings in a constant state of flux. There is no self to label, no soulmate to anoint because we are constantly changing. There is no we, me, or you. We are continually evolving, remodeling, and growing with every moment and experience.
309. straying
Why do relationships go wrong? Likely, when we show up as someone other than ourselves with unrealistic expectations. When we hide away parts of ourselves or feel they’re unappreciated, we seek to have them actualized elsewhere, leading to infidelity as a way to prove that those parts of us are still alive.
The only way around this situation, and to cultivate a relationship worth having, is to show up as authentically and honestly as we can. Only then are we able to fully be ourselves and seen for who we truly are. It’s the only way to transcend the stagnancy that has become the status quo within a majority of relationships; where poor communication and worse sexual chemistry, ultimately push us or our partners to look elsewhere. It’s a search to fulfill something that is missing, but if we can transition away from the commonplace idea that we need to hide parts of ourselves from our partners, or settle for partners that don’t allow us to be seen for who we are, we’ll never find somebody who allows us to cross the threshold into the extraordinary territory where boundless magnetism and infinite potential exist.
If we’re able to find a person who fits us just right, and share in the life changing results of cataclysmic self-actualizing sex, things like infidelity do not happen. It cannot happen because there is no room for it. The only place infidelity can happen is within a relationship where the couple are out of sync, to the point where their relationship has devolved into lies or worse, deception, in an effort to hide parts of themselves or their needs. Of course, we all need a place to be our full selves, and if we can’t get it within our relationships, we stray.
308. we’re after more than money
Our biggest want is for money. We think it will deliver us to some magical place, where we can find fulfillment because we’ll have the ability to afford all that we desire. Don’t get me wrong, wanting to be rich for the sake of material comfort is fine, but it is likely not going to provide an internal sense of fulfillment. So, in all our efforts to acquire more money, why not be clear on what we’re really after?
Let’s work through this with the following example…
Is more money your desired outcome? Why?
I don’t want to have to worry about money again.
Why do you worry about money now?
I can’t afford to travel and see the world like I want to?
Why do you want to travel?
I want to experience the multitude of cultures and see all the beautiful things the world has to offer.
Why do you want to experience these things?
I believe there is more to this life than waking up and going to work everyday to pay for things that only serve as distractions.
Aha! Now we’re getting to the root of what you’re really after. Your life is unfulfilling. So, what’s missing?
I want a life that I can look forward to. A life of adventure, where new experiences help me grow as a person.
This example is meant to illustrate the fact that our want of money is never that simple. Our intentions to acquire more are just ways to chase down a life that is more fulfilling. The intention is still driven by a desire for personal gratification, however now we can understand that it isn’t money we’re after but adventure and experiences in personal growth. This isn’t to say that we should abandon working toward building wealth and retire to the adventurous life of vagabonding, it’s meant to add clarity to the real reason we want more. Knowing this, we can insert adventure or experiences into our life to gain more fulfillment along the way which can also guide our path, instead of material possessions that generally serve as distractions.
307. process over product
Find something that allows you to be you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something you love or are even good at. For instance, you can be terrible at painting, but the process of applying paint to a canvas provides a place to pour out the expression of your thoughts or feelings. You don’t need to possess any level of skill because it’s more about the process than the product. It isn’t about creating something tangible to be sold or hung in appreciation, it’s simply about the activity that gives you the freedom to interact with the world without judgement.
306. change the things you say before you start to believe them
You are not your thoughts. Saying things like “I don’t deserved to be loved” or “my life sucks” doesn’t make it true, yet the more we say these negative things to ourselves, the harder it becomes to not believe them. We’ve all experienced heartbreak, loss, pain, and challenges along the way, but just because those events are in the past doesn’t mean we’re not still holding on to their repercussions in the form of negative self talk.
Those thoughts and feelings of negativity will persist until we learn what we need to change or redefine within ourselves. They serve as a beacon of where we need to place our attention so that the pain can be dealt with and healed. If, for example, you haven’t healed from a poor relationship with your parents, you may develop the mistaken belief that you don’t deserve love, and then continue to find partners who mirror your unresolved issues around love. If we don’t deliberately start changing the things we say to ourselves, we’re destined to repeat and recreate the pain over and over again.
305. why we dream, a hypothesis
Other than memory consolidation, it is hypothesized that a large part of why we dream is to work through our daily experiences in a safe environment. Research into this topics suggests that the phase of Rapid Eye Movement (REM) is used by the brain to relive stressful experiences without arousing the hormonal cascade associated with real-life interaction, so that those traumatic moments don’t have a long lasting affect on how we interact with the world. In essence, dreaming strips the emotion away from the memory, providing us with a fresh start to the new day.
This hypothesis arose from studies comparing those with and without PTSD. In those without PTSD, REM dreamstates were reported with a significant reduction in stress-related hormones, whereas people who reported with a history of PTSD were not correlated with a lowering of stress hormones. When most people go to sleep, they dream in a very low stress state, which allows them to work through their stressful experiences over and over until they eventually lose their power to influence their daily lives. This doesn’t happen in those with PTSD because their stress is so high even in dream states that they aren’t able to work through a traumatic experience.
It’s interesting to think about all the adaptive mechanisms the body has. We’ve been dreaming for thousands of years, yet there hasn’t really been a good explanation as to why. As far as I’m concerned, this makes a lot of sense.
304. bad things happen
Bad things happen. And yes, they do happen for a reason. However, it’s likely not part of some divine unfolding narrative, but rather some random occurrence we’re caught in the middle of. The reason comes from the purpose those bad experiences allow us to see. It’s a realization that this bad thing — a job loss, breakup, or health issues — might not have happened if we weren’t walking down the wrong path. Whatever it is, the reason it happened is to provide a catalyst for change. If we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to accept the “bad things” that happen as simply things that happen, we can use them to make positive changes in our lives and not fall victim to these random occurrences.
303. speak your truth
How different would our live’s be if we always expressed our true feelings?
It’s likely that the trajectory of our live’s would undergo a drastic change, ultimately guiding us down a path more aligned with who we truly are and providing us with a life that offers more satisfaction than we could have ever previously imagined. And none of that is a bad thing, yet in those moments where we can present our authentic selves to the world we tend to shy away from any honest expression. Maybe it’s for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or being left out, or simply fear of the unknown, but none of those are good excuses to be disingenuous to others, and more importantly to yourself.
The consequence of not speaking your truth is going to weigh heavier on you than the burden of offending someone with your truth. The more you can present your authentic self to the world, the more the world around you will reflect who you truly are. So say what you believe to be true and accept what happens.
302. choose your circle wisely
We are the sum of the people we hold closest to us. If we aren’t careful in who we choose to share our time with, we risk creating a detrimental situation for the life we want. The people we surround ourselves with are either actively assisting and supporting our growth, or passively holding us back because their values are different than ours.
When hearing things like, “relax, you work too hard,” or “you can do it tomorrow” begin to weigh heavily on your conscience, it’s time to rethink your circle of friends. When you’re unsure if others are aligned with your values on the life you want, ask yourself the question: “when I spend time with this person or group of people, do I feel like I’m getting closer or further away from who I wan to be?” The answer may surprise you.
301. hustle & grind vs. hustle & flow
We mistakenly glorify the hustle and grind. Don’t get me wrong, we should always exude a measurable level of commitment, but wearing the ability to get by on as little sleep as possible as a badge of honor that symbolizes our work ethic or toughness is just a failure of priorities.
We buy into the idea of the grind because we want our hard work to mean something. We want all our discomfort and sacrificing of the present to pay off in the future so that we can finally enjoy what we’ve been putting off the whole time. But that is where we need to start — with the end in mind. Most likely, that thing we are hustling and grinding for isn’t money or fame, but freedom to explore what we love and the ability to be admired for sharing it with the world.
The unfortunate part is that a focus on the grind takes our focus away from what we should be fixated on, placing it on toil, instead of redefining the hustle. The whole purpose of this life is centered around achieving your purpose and your why. This means you’re so aligned with the effort it takes to get where you want to go, that it doesn’t feel like a grind or a sacrifice, but every step becomes an enjoyable part of the process, no matter the effort. It’s a perfect alignment of your purpose becoming the thing that drives you and directs your life. It’s having all your hard work deliver you to your why. It’s more hustle and flow than hustle and grind.
300. everything is not a test
We often get in the way of our own potential because we’ve been taught to see everything as a test. Instead of being open to learning from an experience, we’re solely focused on what it takes to pass the test. But the truth is, nothing in this life is a test; it’s all an opportunity to learn and grow. The sooner we’re able to understand that the obstacles in our way present a potential for growth, we can become much greater than those who only see life as one continual test to prove themselves. It’s the difference between allowing a situation to illuminate our weaknesses, versus hardening ourselves to the difficulties ahead; in the first situation we can learn from what we lack and improve going forward, but in the latter, we block all opportunity for light to shine on our weakness and thus stifle our potential for growth.
299. it’s about compromise, right?
People in unhappy or unfulfilling relationships often say things like “relationships are about compromise, right?” More often than not, it seems like this sentiment stems from one person feeling pressured into doing what the other wants by pushing solutions that don’t seem fair. But real compromise feels different. It doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a balancing of desires. It’s a feeling that your needs are taken into account, and even if you don’t get everything you want, you, as well as your partner, both feel as though you got enough of what you needed.
Compromise doesn’t need to be a painful experience. It largely comes down to the emotional maturity of the people we’re involved with. The best outcomes are from those who are so attentive and connected that it’s enjoyable to work things out with them. They care about how you feel, and don’t want you to be dissatisfied. And because they have empathy, they won’t feel settled if you’re unhappy with the outcome. So don’t compromise your needs, cultivate your own emotional maturity, and find someone that is willing to balance your desires.
298. a world of comparison
We live in a world of comparison, always judging the present version of ourselves against the polished postings we see on social media, or the glamour that is celebrity culture. The unfortunate fact is that somewhere along the line we lost sight of what is truly important, that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but where you water it. Therefore, comparison only robs us of the joy of being ourselves.
Growing up in a society based on selling you an idea of never being enough has led us to believe that if we make enough money to buy that next thing, or lose enough weight to look like that person, or establish a following on any given platform, we can attain some sense of joy, happiness, or fulfillment. But in our efforts to model our lives after those we admire — likely for the wrong reasons — all that joy, happiness, and fulfillment can get sucked right out of us. Our journey can be influenced by those we see, but it shouldn’t be blindly followed. Instead, we would serve our future-selves much better if we focused on our journey, ours alone.
297. be the source
Be the source of your own beliefs. Turn off the television. Unsubscribe from the dogmatic material. And stop listening to those who claim to have it all figured out. Your mind is too powerful to let it be guided by anyone other than you.
None of this is to say you shouldn’t search for the ideas you think are best, but do so knowing that what you tune into shapes the world you see and how you interact with everything in it. If you’re constantly told that the sky is falling, you’re going to be scared to leave the house, when reality is far less dangerous. If you’re constantly told that you need to live your life a certain way, you’ll likely acquiesce, to the detriment of what you truly should be doing. In either case you’ll never know for yourself unless you can take time away from the noise that is trying to convince you of one thing or another.
Joseph Campbell once said that, “there is nothing worse than climbing the ladder of life, and finally reaching the top, only to find out that your ladder was leaning against the wrong wall.” So, I implore you to be the source of your own beliefs. Take what is useful and disregard the noise that doesn’t further the life you’re after because there is nothing worse than reaching a place that was promised to fulfill you, but is worlds apart from your expectations.
296. outsourcing our needs
Too often we enter relationships for the wrong reasons. We’re either looking to be seen for something we can’t see in ourselves or to fill a void that is too painful to deal with on our own. But outsourcing our needs will never allow us to heal.
We all need to take responsibility for ourselves and our emotions by accepting that it is solely our job to feel the things we want to feel, instead of looking for a partner to give it to us. This means we should endeavor to be the source of our own fulfillment, peace, safety, validation, and stability. And if we feel we are lacking in any of these areas, it means we need to get started doing the work to figure out why the voids are there, so that we don’t make the mistake of trying to find someone else to fill them by entering a relationship.
When we understand that it is no one’s responsibility to complete us, other than our own, we can do the work and then approach life from a place of wholeness, instead of lack. This gives new life, and promise to any relationship we enter into because we’re no longer relying on our romantic partners to make us happy or take away our pain.
295. blue-tinted glasses
We like to think that our experiences are mutual. That reality is defined by our perception of an experience, and shared by all the same. But reality isn’t neutral for any of us. In fact, we each see a world not for the reality of what it is, but through the lens of our individual and unique beliefs.
Imagine donning blue-tinted glasses, all your experiences would be interpreted through shades of blue. That’s how belief works. We see the world, and our perception of “reality” through the lens of what we already believe, placing our personal spin on everything that happens to us.
For example, if we believe that the world is a scary and dangerous place, we are always going to see the negative in the world, as opposed to the boundless beauty that also exists within the same plane. It is our beliefs that cause us to feel a certain way which affects how we ultimately experience any given situation. If we’re only attuned to see blue, and feel that this is a universal experience, it can be hard to communicate with someone who can only see red. But if we can understand that all our experiences are unique, we can make an effort to provide more context when it comes to establishing some middle ground between any of us.