328. empathy
We all claim to practice empathy, but simply saying “I feel your pain” isn’t empathetic, it’s just this generations equivalent of the old unhelpful bureaucrats who would say “Look, I sympathize with your situation, but there’s nothing I can do.” Unfortunately, we seem to be moving further away from the real practice of empathy as the former statement is so detached from action that there isn’t any use for the “but” as a bridge to the “there’s nothing I can do.” We all want our concerns to be heard, matched with feelings of equal concern, and ultimately alleviated. Yet, without real empathy there is no guarantee that any amount of listening to the problems of another will lead to a compassionate act. To paraphrase the essayist Leslie Jamison:
Empathy offers a dangerous sense of completion — thinking something has been done because something has been felt. Tempting us to feel virtuous because we’ve wandered into the ambiguous arena of trying to feel someone else’s pain. The peril of empathy isn’t that it can make us feel bad, but that it can make us feel good. which encourages us to think of empathy as an end in itself rather than a catalyst in a larger process of understanding.
Empathy, as I understand it, is the ability to feel what another is going through. It’s more than an understanding, it’s putting yourself in the situation of another to have a shared experience. Instead of imagining how someone else is feeling, try imagining how it would feel if this were happening to you. In an instant, you can be transported to the forefront of the problem at hand, and come face-to-face with the main point of empathy; that really feeling someones pain feels painful. When that happens, the “there’s nothing I can do” has a greater likelihood of transforming into “how can I help.”
327. exhale
We’re all waiting for inspiration to strike so that we can finally do that thing we’ve been waiting for. But is that the best way?
Inspiration generally means “something that stimulates you into action,” and at the same time it also means to “breathe in.” Both meanings poetically intertwine if we think of ourselves as breathing in thoughts, concepts, and theories that serve to fill our mind with new ideas. Endlessly scrolling through our newsfeed, we inhale countless images, memes, quotes, podcasts, and articles, all with the intention to inspire us into action. Yet, no matter how much we inhale, the majority of us never get enough. We’re always looking for more, thinking that there is something else out there that we haven’t found, and will be the ONE THING we’re after.
Our capacity to continuously breathe in, and in, and in can only get us so far before we must breathe out. But it’s in that exhalation where we find what we’re after.
Nothing is going to be as truly inspiring as the action you take after exhaling all the new ideas we’ve gathered and applying them to produce the work or results we want — whether the endeavor is creative, financial, or personal in nature. In other words, the action we take is the real inspiration we’re after. It’s the action of exhaling, breathing out all the ideas we’ve collected and putting them to use. True inspiration doesn’t come from consuming new information, but rather from incorporating those ideas into the actions we take toward building the life we want.
We make the mistake of thinking that if we keep inhaling books, presentations, talks, tweets, interviews, and documentaries we’re going to suddenly be inspired into the life we want. But the funny thing is, constantly breathing in is actually anti-inspiring because it doesn’t allow us to exhale. We have to breathe out, creating intention with our exhalation, focusing on our output to achieve the inspiration we’re truly after.
Never stop consuming the things that interests you, but know that the inspiration you seek isn’t in the search, it’s in the act of doing.
off topic: does love come again?
Heartbreak is never fun. The common empathetic response to those going through the drudgery of despair after a breakup is to “not worry because someone else will come along.” In general, I think it’s good advice, and in the past I would believe in it wholeheartedly. I thought the universe makes us go through the motions of relationshipping, encountering the full spectrum of emotions, peaking with absolute love and bottoming out with its ultimate loss, and then somewhere down the line you end up with the one you were supposed to be with. Maybe it’s because I live in Los Angeles, have watched too many romantic movies, and have consequently succumbed to their magic. Who really knows?
HOWEVER, I do know that I found someone that literally said; “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.” And to be completely honest with you, I felt the exact same. We talked, wrote poems, exchanged love letters and it was established that we were in agreeance that neither of us had ever felt more alive, loved, seen, heard, and sexually attracted to each other than with anyone either of us had ever been with. Sounds phenomenal, right? It definitely was. Now, imagine having found someone that can unlock all those feelings within you, and then they leave (no one did anything wrong, but she felt she needed to live a different life, and because I love and adore her, I respected her decision).
Is there any guarantee that a love of that magnitude will come again? Maybe this is emotion, but I’m going with an emphatic; NO! And I say this, not as a young, angsty teenager, finding love in anything that looks like a hole, but as someone who has been around for nearly four decades and entered into a relationship with someone who was even older than myself. We both lived HALF our lives before we found one another and shared this wonderful experiment of love. I’m not trying to sound pessimistic, but this is why I don’t really believe that simply saying “someone else will come along,” really offers any consolation because I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like that again. But at the very least, I know exactly what I’m after.
I have a list of rules I live my life by, one of them (which was inspired by her) is to “always love like it’s the last time.” I can’t stress this enough because you never know what is going to happen.
326. new ideas
There are people who will never change their minds, not even when presented with new information. It’s okay to have a belief system because that’s how we make sense of the world, but there is a difference between being cautious about new ideas and being calcified.
Some people enjoy having discussions about what they believe in, welcoming new information as a means of progressively challenging who they were, in an attempt to consistently build and improve upon who they are. While others are closed off from any discussion to the point that they defend their belief system against any and all opposing thoughts, no matter how rational the argument. If at one point you both shared similar opinions, yet you decided to be open to new ideas and have since made changes to long held beliefs; you’ll likely be admonished for your transgressions with the person saying, “You’ve changed.” But isn’t that the point? You’re supposed to be open. To learn. To change. To grow.
What in nature stays the same its entire lifecycle? Nothing that I know of. Stagnation in an ever changing process is akin to death. Old habits — or in this case, belief systems — “die hard,” as they say.
I think it’s important that we maintain a sense of childhood wonderment as we progress through life. It’s very hard to have all the answers, and we should avoid those that do at all costs. We have to maintain a sense of openness about what we believe in. It’s okay to maintain rigidity in the process of developing a belief system, as long as we remain flexible in how it works itself out. If we are too tied to our ideas, then we run the risk of it eventually transforming into an identity that may not serve us in the long run.
Despite anyone’s beliefs, the one thing we can all agree on is that we all want to live a freer, healthier, more prosperous life, filled with love and adventure. But this can be very hard to find if you are so locked into an opinion that you completely shut off anything that could improve upon your current situation. It’s okay to have a belief system, but be able to differentiate between what is defining you versus what may be holding you back.
325. confident
Everyone wants to be sovereign in their decision making, yet at the same time people want to be told what to do. It’s a paradox of freedom. I think this stems from a lack of confidence in ourselves and our ability to make the “right” decision. Unfortunately, very few people are willing to bet on themselves, passing on the burden of what to do, they seek direction from someone else, so if they fail, they don’t have to take personal responsibility for their actions. They become a victim of their own lack of confidence — an assistant manager of their own lives — waiting for directions from a higher authority because they don’t feel confident enough to make decisions by taking action on their own.
We can’t be afraid to make our own decisions and fail. It’s really the only way to learn what works for us and what doesn’t. Doing so will grant us the confidence to make decisions on our own. Every failed decision brings us a step closer to a larger victory, which has the power to build a little more confidence in our ability to positively shape our future. Don’t be afraid to make your next decision, no matter how small. Over time, these decisions will bring about more confidence in yourself and what you decide is best for you in the moment. There will be wrong choices, “oh shit” moments, and failures, but they are all there to serve as lessons to build confidence into your future decision making.
For example; failing to put money away for emergencies, or dating the wrong person, are both lessons that inform and create confidence toward our future decision making which will lead to us starting a savings account and figuring out what attributes we don’t like in a significant other so that we can be confident with the direction of our future. However, none of that would be possible if we didn’t have the confidence to make the wrong decisions and thus learn what they have to teach us.
Nothing quells anxiety like action and nothing builds confidence more than learning what works best for us. Be confident in your decisions as they will serve the future version of yourself and who you inevitably want to become.
324. adrift
we’re all lost in the deep
fighting against the tide
that our monsters intend to keep.
adrift,
in a sea of confliction
we search in order to be found.
reaching,
for any connection, allowing us
to find our feet on solid ground.
it’s said, that anxiety
is quickly quelled by action.
and it’s known that grasping
makes finding easy.
yet, if we aren’t careful
our fear will anchor us into reaction.
—————————
We’re lost in an ocean of opinion, not knowing where to look for the right answers. Much of the time, information is merely opinion, backed up only by what fortifies the accepted narrative. This is as true for the way we talk to ourselves about if we are worthy of that raise, as the way the news intends to inform us.
We are what we pay attention to. The ideas that we consume — about ourselves and the world at large — are what create the world we see. If we are fearful and looking for answers, we will grasp at the closest thing that makes sense to us. Unfortunately, the closest thing (or idea) isn’t always the right answer. You thinking you didn’t get that date because you weren’t enough, is an idea you believe because it fits your narrative about yourself. You thinking the sky is falling because the news continues to tell you so is an idea you believe because it fits the narrative that is being reinforced.
It’s not until we stop listening to the things that only serve to keep us down, and start recreating how we interact with this world, will we be able to approach life with a sense of conscious choice instead of continuing to react out of fear.
323. unaware
If you aren’t aware that you’re unhappy, you aren’t going to do anything about it. You’re just a fish, living its life in an ocean of water, with no concept of what “wet” is. You’re unaware.
Until you become aware that you’re uncomfortable (or wet), you’re going to stay in a place of complacency and stagnancy because you’re okay with the environment you find yourself in. Some internal mechanism continues to manage your perception of what is normal and acceptable to you, which keeps you from tuning into the reality of what is happening around you.
The very small things that would otherwise alert you to problems within an unfamiliar environment have become blunted, and therefore a reason to pay attention. Unhappiness needs to be recognized, felt, and made aware of, otherwise why would you want to change? Start to focus on the small things; Have you been clinching your jaw? Is your heart constantly racing? Are you easily stressed or anxious? The body holds a lot of signals, but if you’re not tuned into them, they can’t disrupt you from the normalcy that you’ve become accustomed to.
It’s not easy to strip away the layers of what has become normal and uncover how you really feel, but it is essential for real change to take place. I think a lot of the time we get so used to a certain way of living that we forget what happiness feels like. The sooner we can recognize the signals our body is giving off, the sooner we can realize that what we’ve become used to is no longer serving us and make the necessary changes.
322. improve your health
There is an entire industry devoted toward biohacking. Much of the time it serves as a distraction from focusing on the fundamentals of improving health. Rather than getting overwhelmed with all the opinions centered around hacking different aspects of your biology, just work on the basics. You could spend thousands of hours researching the best bio hacks and not come up with a better recommendation to improve your health than to eat whole, unprocessed foods, get outside in the sun, move a lot, sleep like you’re on vacation, surround yourself with loving relationships, and practice a bit of gratitude for everything you experience. You can put all the money you save on gadgets and expensive supplements into building a life that lets you live and capture health how you’re supposed to.
321. titles
We can’t expect our past accomplishments to permanently define us. We have to continually show up and earn our title. No legacy was ever built as a result of a single achievement. Only by showing up consistently and delivering, time and time again are titles earned.
We like to hold on to old titles because it provides us with a sense of satisfaction without the burden of continued action. But those titles — the ones we wear proudly — required performing, not declaring. If we are going to march through life, exclaiming; “This is who I am!” because we accomplished something one time in the past, we are mistaking ourselves and at the same time being disingenuous to the version of ourselves that found success in the first place.
We need to be honest about what is past and what is present. if you’re not continuing to show up, then you’re not earning the title. So, stop fooling yourself. Get rid of outdated titles that you’re no longer earning because they’re giving you a premature sense of satisfaction that is keeping you from doing the hard work that is necessary.
320. anti-fragile
Imagine a champagne glass being shipped in a wooden box, during shipping if you shake the box too much it will shatter; that’s fragility. Now imagine the opposite of a champagne glass, something that doesn’t break under stress, perhaps you’ll think of a rock in the box. If you shake it during shipping, nothing happens; it doesn’t break. But the strange thing is, the opposite of fragility isn’t sturdiness or resistance to the surrounding pressures, it’s gaining strength under volatile conditions.
What gains from stress? Things like the muscular system, good relationships, immune systems, emotional health, and connected communities are all examples of things that grow under stressful situations. In fact, they need stress in order to change in a positive way, and a lack of imposed stress can even be detrimental over time.
The only way our muscles can grow is through the stress of resistance training (no matter how much anabolics you’re on). The bond between two people in a healthy relationship only grows stronger when confronted with challenges together. The immune system is only bolstered by coming in to contact with and fighting off things that cause to make us sick. Our emotional health can only develop in response to the full spectrum of emotions that we all have. Likewise, communities only seem to thrive under the shared experience of collected stress; just look at how the country, and much of the world, came together post 9/11.
So don’t run from stressful situations (unless it’s a bear, of course). Lean in. Endure. Make it through. Learn and grow from your experience as it will only serve to make you more anti-fragile.
…
Side note: The world we’re quickly fitting into isn’t one that tests our limits, strengthens our resolve, or seeks to promote an anti-fragile version of ourselves. Everything we push for — from technological innovations to “healthcare” directives — only make our lives easier. But nowhere in nature does this encourage growth. It simply creates dependence on those who create the comfort. Continuing to infuse ever-greater ease into a system that is already disproportionately skewed away from anything uncomfortable and toward ultimate comfort will never allow us the resiliency we need to withstand our box being rattled, much less creating a situation where we can gain from our foundations being shaken.
319. actions are truer than words
It doesn’t matter what you tell yourself, or the things you espouse to the world. Your actions ultimately show your true values. Your actions reveal what you actually want.
We all say we want certain things — I want to lose weight. I want to write a book. I want to travel the world. I want to start over in a new city. It’s easy to say we want something, and it’s not wrong to want, however if those words aren’t followed up by actions to get you there, then you need to be true to yourself and ask; is this what I really want? Most likely, if you did want that thing, you would have already gotten after it, instead of merely talking about it.
Once we understand this, it’s easy to spot our true priorities. You can ignore what continues to be said and simply focus on your actions. It will show where your values truly lie.
If you say you want to lose weight, yet you continue down the same road, making poor decisions around your nutrition and health, it’s easy to see that you aren’t really in a place where losing weight is of the utmost value to you. If you say you want to write a book, yet fail to sit down and put ideas into words, then stop saying you want to write a book. If you say you want to travel, yet find excuses about it costing too much or not having enough free time, then stop saying you want to travel. If you want to move to a new city so that you can “start over,” yet you take no action towards applying for positions or looking for places to live in that area, then stop saying you want to start over in a new city.
We prioritize what we value. If we’re hungry we eat.
At a certain point, we need to stop lying to ourselves. Get clear on what you value. Stop putting energy into an idea that you have no interest in entertaining with action. Look in the mirror and ask yourself about the actions you consistently do. What are you doing everyday? What can’t you miss out on? What makes you, You? The answers you come up with are the things you truly value, and are what guide your life. All the other “I wants” are just lip service until they become part of what you consistently do. Stop wasting time by saying “I want”, if you really did, you wouldn’t continuously have to tell people because they would already see it in your actions.
318. embrace adventure
Many people are unhappy with their circumstances, but fail to take the initiative to change their situation. Conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, they mistake safety with solace, all the while forgetting that at the very core of our being is a call for adventure. It’s the thrill of discovery that led humanity to explore and conquer the world over. That spirit is still alive within us. It’s a reason behind why we cheat on our partners or make uncharacteristic purchases — anything that will break the monotony and allow us to experience the new. We’re simply looking for an escape from the rerun that has become our lives.
We’ve forgotten that the human spirit thrives on adventure. Our joy in life comes from encountering new experiences, not reliving the same yesterday over and over. Somewhere along the line we traded adventure for safety without realizing that feeling alive requires a threat of the unknown. This doesn’t mean we need to sell all our possessions and travel the world until our funds run out, but it does mean that sometimes we need to ease the grasp on our routines. Change the route you take home. Change the order you normally complete tasks. Change the way you approach life. Embrace change. Embrace new experiences. Embrace adventure. And never forget that genuine happiness will come from discovering new horizons.
317. don’t just sit there
We all came into this world with an unmatched level of confidence. As babies, we took our first steps, fell down, got up and fell down again. In the process, we laughed and cried because it was a difficult task, but never did we say; “Okay, I’m done with that. I’m just going to sit here, forever.” There’s no fear of failing, and therefore no stoping us. And so, we persist. We didn’t care about failing to walk the first, second, or third time. We kept going, in an effort to literally rise to the level of those around us.
As babies, we inherently do what we feel is right, unaffected by what others may think about our actions. If we don’t like something we’ve been fed, we have no problems spitting it right back out. If we saw the neighbors dog, our first reaction is likely to run up to it and try to play. It’s not until we’re old enough to comprehend the warnings of NO! DON’T! BE CAREFUL! that we learn about hesitation and fear.
It’s that hesitation that makes us stop and think about all the consequences of pursuing what our hearts desire. It’s that fear that keeps us from doing what we know is right by continuing to say; “What if?” It’s these ideas that can haunt our decisions for the rest of our lives, creating a lack of confidence in our resolve to relentlessly go after what we truly want.
All I can say is, we had it right to begin with. We have a choice to be unconcerned with anything but the end result. So stop sitting there and create the life you want.
316. too many possibilities
There are too many possibilities. For most of us, that’s a problem and the main reason why we don’t get started. So, when we’re staring into the infinity of the blank page, how do we begin?
Start with limitations.
For example; if I simply asked you to write a book, your mind would likely swirl through multiple scenarios without anchoring onto anything concrete. Now imagine, if I asked you to write a children’s book about a group of baby superhero’s who have a friend that isn’t super, but they all use their powers in different ways in an effort to convince him that he is powerful so that he fits in with the group — oh, and it has to be less than 27 pages — your mind would quickly get to work.
As soon as your mind understands the limitations it automatically starts figuring out a way forward.
For most of us, with our fast internet connection and empty google search boxes, we can find anything. There are no restrictions. And that is the problem. We’ve become paralyzed by the possibilities of what we can do, to the point that we do nothing.
Matthew May, wrote in The Laws of Subtraction to “give yourself some intentional restriction in life and you’ll finally get inspired to act.” It sounds antithetical at first, but restrictions can set you free.
315. questions for change
Not starting something because we’re unsure of the result is a faulty mindset. We need to be willing to try different avenues to see what works best for us. Stop searching for a guarantee before you start. Instead, get clear about what you want and be willing to try out different ways to achieve it with intent, because if you do — if you try it on for size, you can figure out what fits best — as opposed to the opposite which is wasting time waiting for a guarantee, of which there are none.
When you want something different out of life, think about the following questions before you embark on your journey and maybe it can save you some time…
What is the change you seek to make? Are you here to do what you’re told or are you here to learn and improve yourself? Are you here to make a contribution with that change, or are you here only to take something for yourself? Answering questions honestly is difficult because it’s all about the stories we tell ourselves. So, if we can figure out how to tell ourselves a different story, then we may be able to create a different life. One that is not only beneficial to who we wish to become, but those whose lives we touch as well. Some people wake up in the morning and think “how can I double my worth,” while other people think, “how can I help the homeless guy on the corner.” These are two totally different kinds of change we seek to make in the world, but both are change. It comes down to being honest with who you want to be.
What possibility do you see? People have been indoctrinated since birth to either believe they are entitled or not, special or not, that they possess the ability to make a difference or not. So, the question may be better asked as to whether or not you see possibility in the change you seek to make? Likely if you are confident enough to try, then it’s a yes. On the flip side to that is learning to see the world as it is. It’s easy to think we get to make the world the way we want it to be, but we don’t. And that can be hard. The world is the way it is. Learning to see that reality is critical and it changes our view on what is really possible for us. If no one has ever done the thing you wish to accomplish, then you might be deluding yourself, whereas if there is a well-trodden path you seek to go down, then you might be able to follow it and add your flavor. This isn’t to say that, if it hasn’t been done before, don’t bother, but to be mindful not to travel too far down a road to nowhere. Millions of people have studied the stock market, yet most of them weren’t able to turn into Warren Buffet. Millions of people have read how to get in shape, but most of them weren’t able to transform their body into what they had initially envisioned. Part of it is discipline, part of it is seeing possibility, part of it is deciding what kind of journey you want to go on over the next year or even decade and how you approach it. But none of it is for lack of available information.
How much emotional labor are you willing and able to expend to accomplish the thing you wish to do? Whatever the goal, it may seem simple at first, but you quickly realize that there is a difference between simple and easy. Losing weight is relatively simple, however its execution is much more laborious than most people are willing to endure. Change isn’t easy because it requires us to dismantle old ways of thought and stories that have run our lives for years, and try new ones to see which ones stick so that we can get the end result we want. It’s really about being comfortable with incompetence on your way to getting better.
314. choosing the ones we do
We all want to lead enjoyable lives with people who set our soul on fire. Yet, much of the time we trade the attributes we’re most passionate about for the security or stability of something less fulfilling — be it financial or otherwise. And while that isn’t necessarily wrong, is it right to give up on something that can make you feel better than anything else, just to feel comfortable in a relationship that isn’t truly fulfilling you? I would say no, for the simple fact that stifling your needs will never allow you to recognize your true potential as an individual and impact the world in the most meaningful way. Finding someone who can light your soul on fire provides inspiration, whereas settling for security leaves you longing for the things that can make you whole. But, I don’t speak for everybody and ultimately, it is circumstances that dictate our narratives and the reasoning behind why we inevitably choose the relationships we do.
So, while it is admirable that certain people can slough off the need for security to follow their heart, it is a bit conceited to think that those who don’t are any less. At the end of the day, we all make decisions that are right for us in the moment. Security may be what some people need to develop into the person that chases their passion in the future; alternatively, aligning with someone who inspires you into action may be the best way to feel secure and achieve the life you’re after. We’re all different. Some of us will have our hearts broken, becoming casualties in the wake of another’s transformation, but if we’re lucky we’ll find the right person, at the right time, who chooses to walk the same path and wants to share in co-creating a narrative together.
313. we’re all ignorant
This isn’t meant to be disparaging, but we’re all ignorant. In Americanese, being labeled as ignorant is generally seen as an insult, yet by definition, it simply means “lacking awareness.”
In Buddhism, “ignorance” is a rough translation of the word Avidyā, which is Sanskrit for having a misunderstanding of the true nature of our reality and the truth of our impermanence. Even when the news continuously tells us that the sky is falling and we are less than what we could be, most of us are unaware of how good we have it, and so, many of us settle into dis-ease, unhappiness, and end up chasing the wrong things.
So what are the wrong things?
Seeing life as a checklist to fulfill instead of an experience to behold. We think we need to go to school to get a good job; then meet our significant other to get married; then buy a house to raise a family; then save up for that new car, retirement and our children’s college fund. It’s the American Dream, right? Except that it may very well be a dream to think that this is what will create a life we’re genuinely happy with. And it’s unlikely that that plan will materialize perfectly, and even if it does, then what? Do we settle? No, we just add more items to the checklist.
It’s the nature of desire to get one thing and immediately covet the next. This cycle of accomplishment and acquisition likely won’t make us happy, but instead distract us from doing the work that will.
312. form implies function
The way we look speaks volumes about our health because of the simple fact that form implies function.
When a racehorse breeder sees obvious disruptions in healthy growth, they naturally consider the nutritional context in which the animal was raised. If a prize-winning mare gives birth to a foal with abnormally bowed legs, the veterinarian recognizes that something went wrong — asking the logical question: what was the mother eating?
Applying this example to children, rarely do physicians ask the same question, even when life-threatening problems show up at birth. And we continue to neglect the nutrition-development equation when people develop scoliosis, joint malformations, autism, schizophrenia, and other maladaptive issues later in life.
Our desire for beauty is not solely a matter of vanity. The way we look speaks volumes about our health because of the simple fact that form implies function. Less attractive facial features are less functional. Children with suboptimal skull structure may need glasses or braces, whereas those with a more ideal architecture won’t. This is because suboptimal architecture impairs development of normal geometry, leading to imperfectly formed facial features; whether it’s the eyes, ears, nose, or jaw.
For example: narrow nasal passages irritate the mucosa, increasing the chances of rhinitis and allergies. When the airway in the back of the throat is improperly formed, a child may suffer from sleep apnea, which stares the brain of oxygen necessary for normal brain development.
Frederick Douglas once said that “it’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Yet, with our complete avoidance of looking at the root of the problem and addressing the nutritional and environmental factors, it is getting increasingly more difficult to even build strong children.
311. questioning failures
Failure is inevitable, yet we are so scared of it that we’re willing to do almost anything to avoid it, minimize its impact, or completely deny its existence. In doing so, we only exacerbate our shortcomings by refusing to accept and learn from what a failed experience can teach us. Instead of retracting, minimizing or denying, it’s imperative to take ownership of what we have done, fully admit to our mistakes and failures, so that we can learn the lessons they teach and figure out how to prevent them from happening again.
A simple exercise in ownership comes from the book Sovereignty, by Ryan Michler, where seeking to reframe how we look at our experiences, he puts forth the following line of questioning…
Instead of asking, “whose fault is this?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
Instead of asking, “why didn’t ____________ do ____________?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure ____________ gets done next time?”
Instead of asking, “why am I surrounded by incompetent people?” ask yourself, “what can I do to surround myself with competent people?”
The first set of questions do nothing to improve the situation, whereas the second focuses on what can be done to improve the situation. The quality of our outcomes will be determined by our responses to the failures we will inevitably come up against. By taking ownership of the situation, and asking the right questions to move forward, we can make the best out of any bad experience.
310. soulmate
The modern idea of the soulmate is a yearning for connection and love that people in the ancient past would have sought through a connection with a higher power. It seems like a more appropriate path for this impulse to be guided along.
If we make a person a soulmate or a redeemer, what are we going to do when they let us down? What is a relationship, other than a reflection of ourselves? Do we ever really know a person or only the aspects of them you interact with. I’m sure we all know someone where we’ve been surprised to find they had a second life. But why? We’re always changing.
The idea of a soulmate is the materialization of an impulse that belongs in the realm of the sublime. It shouldn’t be epitomized. It shouldn’t be symbolized. It has to be lived. We can’t continually look for objects of fulfillment, whether they be relationships or possessions. Instead we need to look within ourselves, and understand we are beings in a constant state of flux. There is no self to label, no soulmate to anoint because we are constantly changing. There is no we, me, or you. We are continually evolving, remodeling, and growing with every moment and experience.