341. set sail
Change is hard because it comes with a necessary acceptance that who you are isn’t who you want to be. It’s a constant battle with your ego which is always trying to bring you back to who you are right now, even if it is out of alignment with what you say you want. It’s a safety mechanism keeping you within familiar territory. So, while your actions may look like self-destruction on the outside, they’re actually your subconscious working to return you to a familiar version of yourself, or a place where it feels most comfortable.
There’s a saying that goes, “a ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are built for.” We are all on our own ship, possessing the possibility of journeying toward the person we wish to become. That journey requires us to embrace discomfort. To sail just far enough away from the harbor that we can throw out an anchor and sit long enough in a certain position that we realize it’s not so bad after all. And, then doing it all over again, until we arrive at the place where we initially set out to discover.
For systemic change to happen, progress has to be sustainable. It will require you to throw out an anchor along the way, reassuring yourself that the distance you’ve traveled — where you are today, while frightening new — is now who you are and choose to be. It will feel chaotic because waves of uncertainty will challenge your choices for attempting to break old patterns. It will feel unfamiliar because you are traveling outside the boundaries of the map you once used to guide your life. But you have to be okay with the discomfort of sailing outside the boundaries of the map you had for yourself so that you can start charting the new territory of the person you wish to become.
311. questioning failures
Failure is inevitable, yet we are so scared of it that we’re willing to do almost anything to avoid it, minimize its impact, or completely deny its existence. In doing so, we only exacerbate our shortcomings by refusing to accept and learn from what a failed experience can teach us. Instead of retracting, minimizing or denying, it’s imperative to take ownership of what we have done, fully admit to our mistakes and failures, so that we can learn the lessons they teach and figure out how to prevent them from happening again.
A simple exercise in ownership comes from the book Sovereignty, by Ryan Michler, where seeking to reframe how we look at our experiences, he puts forth the following line of questioning…
Instead of asking, “whose fault is this?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
Instead of asking, “why didn’t ____________ do ____________?” ask yourself, “what can I do to ensure ____________ gets done next time?”
Instead of asking, “why am I surrounded by incompetent people?” ask yourself, “what can I do to surround myself with competent people?”
The first set of questions do nothing to improve the situation, whereas the second focuses on what can be done to improve the situation. The quality of our outcomes will be determined by our responses to the failures we will inevitably come up against. By taking ownership of the situation, and asking the right questions to move forward, we can make the best out of any bad experience.
278. proving the process
We all want to improve some aspect of our lives. Most of our attempts come through the act of goal setting. Unfortunately, as good as goals can be as an initial motivator, they come with a downside of becoming useless once achieved. So we’re constantly tasked with setting new goals, which may work for some people, but for others, it’s likely that the continued sacrifice and grind of denying who we are or how we want to live to achieve something can take a toll until we eventually quit altogether. But there’s a better way to look at it.
Instead of goal setting being black and white, either achieved or not, think of it as a testing process. To see what works, what doesn’t, and what can be implemented into a longterm process of achieving, instead of achievement. There is no point in denying ourselves the things we enjoy or sacrificing parts of our life to achieve something, only to say we achieved a result for a brief moment before we revert back to doing the things we enjoyed.
The simplest way to achieve something is usually not the most sustainable or easiest way for us to get there, and that’s okay. The simplest way to achieve a weight loss goal is to severely restrict calories and workout intensely. The simplest way to achieve a goal of financial independence is to stop spending money and work feverishly. While either goal is admirable, the sacrifice it takes to achieve them likely isn’t sustainable for the majority of us, because simple doesn’t equal easy.
It’s better to use our attempts at achieving goals to figure out small things that we can stick with and implement into our lives, so that over time we can achieve what we’re after without having to sacrifice all our fun and enjoyment. Pretty soon, those small things we’ve added in, simply become part of the process of our daily lives, not part of a goal we’re trying to achieve. And because we continue to add those small parts in, we can arrive at the same end point of a healthy weight or hefty bank account while not having to worry about regressing or falling back into old habits.
We will be better off if we can reframe the process of constant goal achievement, into a process of achieving. In the end, we’ll no longer need a goal when our process is proven over time.
271. reflections in the mirror
Do we ever really know ourselves? Are we ever really given a chance? From the moment we pop out, and into this world, we’re imprinted with the customs and beliefs of those around us. It makes us who we think we are and from that point forward, life becomes a constant search for mirrors that reflect those original ideals back onto us. But at a certain point, we need to be comfortable enough with ourselves to question the validity of what those mirrors are actually showing us.
Are they reflecting what we want to see because it’s familiar and therefore comfortable, or are they showing us what we need to see in order to grow by challenging our comforts? Chances are, most of us are looking for a reflection that says “I’m okay just as I am. I’m good.” And while I agree that we all need to be comfortable with who we are, it definitely shouldn’t be because anyone else says so.
We have the ability to choose the mirrors we look into, therefore we can always see what we want. But if what is reflected back at us doesn’t challenge us to improve, it isn’t serving us, it is only reconfirming that the beliefs and ideals we already hold are good enough. And that is never gong to allow us to break free from who we’ve been taught to be. We need to seek out and surround ourselves with people or groups who challenge our long held beliefs, and who inspire us to break the mirror we are used to peering into so that we can aspire to be more than a simple reflection of our original ideals.
270. one phrase
We’re all searching for something to fill a void. In our attempt at figuring it out, we’re inevitably pulled in different directions. Most likely chasing after money, power, or respect, to no avail. However, nothing is going to fill that void more perfectly than finding someone who see’s us for who we are under the mask of all the things we chase. No matter what we do, everything in this life is just a progression toward one phrase… “I love you.”
255. what fills your time
We start new habits with the best of intentions. Placing our effort into areas that will help us move ourselves closer to the person we want to become, but sometimes we lose the motivation that got us started in the first place. When this happens, the popular excuse of “there isn’t enough time,” always comes up. The funny thing about that is for as long as you held the habit, there was enough time to complete it.
So where is the disconnect? It’s not that you lack time, but your motivation waned, and that is okay. Not all habits are meant to stick. However, be mindful what occupies the time you previously spent on your habit of self-improvement. If what you replaced the habit with isn’t of equal value or doesn’t help you progress to the person you are trying to become then perhaps you should rethink what you’re giving up. For example, if I gave up the habit of writing because “I couldn’t find the time,” yet spent an hour a day on social media, then I am not making a decision my future-self will benefit from. However, if I give up the habit of writing because I wanted to focus more on making videos as a form of self-expression or the exploration of ideas, then that seems like a good trade off.
So pay attention to what fills your time. If the habit you currently have isn’t working for you, that’s okay, change it up, just don’t replace it with something that is going to waste the time it’s elimination frees up.
254. keep your head up
Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better. We all like to think, “I know what I want,” but in reality there is no way to know that what you’re after is the best possible outcome for you. All the effort you put into a goal or the lifestyle you’re chasing is commendable, just don’t let your focus become so narrow — by keeping your head down, only focusing on where to place your next step — that you lose out on opportunities along the way. Walk your path knowing that you really don’t know what lies outside the boundaries you force yourself to stay within, so continue to strive for that life you want, but keep your head up because you never know what might come along.
253. making moves
Life is full of challenges. Most of us worry too intensely about each step needing to be considered as forward progress that we reach a point of stagnation. We can no longer push forward because the situation we’re in no longer serves the person we want to be, while at the same time, we don’t allow ourselves to create a lateral move, much less take a small step back, to reset the momentum which ultimately has the potential to propel us forward.
Anything less than continual progress is considered failure. We make the mistake in believing that each step needs to move us in the same direction, even if it mean we’re running headfirst into a wall. But it’s important to understand that we aren’t defined by each individual step we take, so much as the trajectory we keep. Sometimes that means making different moves, small changes, or step-backs to keep us moving toward to person we want to become. If we keep avoiding the necessary moves that match where we want to go, the only place we’re going to progress is right off a cliff.
239. stepping back
This life is full of choices. We are always measuring out our next move. Should I do this or that? Thinking about how to make exponential progress without an ounce of regression because we unfortunately equate regression with failure. But as with anything in life, it’s not always this black and white. Regression doesn’t always mean failure. Sometimes it simply means taking a step back to see things more clearly so that you can make a better move forward.
In football, the quarterback always drops back from the line of scrimmage to get a clearer view of the field before he makes a play by throwing, handing off, or even running the ball forward himself. Without stepping back he would not be able to survey the field to execute the best play possible to move the ball forward. If he only kept his head down and tried to continually push through the line he wouldn’t get very far, and probably get hurt in the process. The results would be very poor and predictable, and the game would be even more boring than it already is (sorry, not sorry). The same goes for life…
The concept of stepping back is lost on most of us because we have been taught to never lose ground because our value and identity rests on what we have accomplished up to this very point. But like the quarterback, if you are grinding away and not making progress, maybe what you’re doing isn’t what you should be doing. Step back, regroup, see the situation for what it is. Don’t stay in a situation that isn’t allowing you to move forward simply because you’re afraid to regress or momentarily lose status in your life. Chances are, if you get over that fear, that step back will propel you forward. Sometimes a step backwards is a step in the right direction.
231. hinging your tomorrows on yesterday
Not everything is meant to last forever. But the end of something doesn’t mean you failed. It more likely means the thing you’re after is failing you. Who you’ve become in the process can no longer be fulfilled by whatever it is you’re afraid to fail at. And in trying, you’re not opening yourself up to the possibility of something that can fulfill the new person you’ve become. You’re hinging your tomorrows on yesterday.
We have to realize that there is a distinction between what is worth saving and what is worth walking away from. But we all want there to be definitive answers, so we wait for absolutes, and that’s the biggest mistake because they never come. We’re always going to be at battle with “what if?”
Our decisions are always going to come with conflict. In choosing to walk away from old systems and toward greater possibilities, sometimes we also have to come to terms with letting go of what was great about the old system.
As I like to say, “there are no right answers, but there are wrong ones.” This life is about forward progress and momentum. If the situation you find yourself in isn’t moving you forward, or at least allowing you to maintain the momentum toward the life you want, then it’s important to periodically ask, “is this system serving who I want to become, or holding me back?” Pay attention to the themes.
The answers are never simple and choices will always be hard, but nothing worth it comes easy.
223. memories of yesterday
For our life to progress, it’s necessary to abandon things we’ve become to create space for a better version of what will be. With that loss, we see old opinions, strategies, and relationships wither. Just as likely as those memories fade, so too, does the identity of who we used to be. It’s transformation. With each passing day, a part of us is gone. Left in the memory of yesterday. While the rest, and hopefully the best parts of us, move on with the freedom to create a better tomorrow.
Don’t be afraid to let go, but understand that nothing on our path toward progress is absolute. Pay attention to the memories of yesterday. Walk confidently away from the memories that fade, as the events they’re linked to have served their purpose in progressing our story. And for the ones that continue to reverberate, be aware that they may actually be a necessary part of building our better tomorrow.
215. master the art of showing up
A habit must be established before it can be improved. This has to become a standard in your life before you should start worrying about optimizing or expanding on it.
If you’re not the type of person who sits down and writes one sentence a day, or steps one foot inside a gym, you’re never going to be the person who finishes a novel, or looks good naked.
We’re so focused on finding and implementing the perfect plan that we forget to give ourselves permission to not be perfect at first. Instead, we need to shift our focus on showing up everyday in a small way.
Whether it’s one push-up or one word on a blank page, do something so that you can master the art of showing up. Make that your new normal. And then once you become the person who shows up, then you can expand on the habit you’ve built.
209. give credence
There will always be obstacles on our path. When we stumble upon them, most of us will see it as a reason to stop and complain about our misfortune, instead of recognizing it as an opportunity to gain a deeper sense of satisfaction with the process. The things that come up along the way will definitely test our resolve — and to a point, maybe that’s why they’re their — but if we can think of them as more than a simple hinderance, we can use their appearance to our benefit. Instead of complaining, give credence to the obstacles that show up along the way, because what they will do is give us more to overcome, and overcoming them will provide us with more gratification on our continual pursuit toward progress.
208. five years of inspiration
We can all benefit from having someone to look up to, but we make the mistake of looking in the wrong places. We see successful people in areas that pique our particular interests and think, “Oh, that person has it all figured out, I’m going to walk their path.” But that path can never be ours, nor should we want it to be.
Instead of searching outside ourselves for inspiration, we should be thinking about the person we want to be 5 years down the line, and aspire to become that person everyday. The trick is in never allowing ourselves to think we be able to close the gap, but that it always remains an equidistant 5 years ahead, So, with each new accomplishment in the present, we add to the success of that future vision of ourselves, providing constant and relevant inspiration for progressing day after day.
207. the dizziness of freedom
One of the scariest parts about embarking on a new journey is not knowing where it may take us. We hope for the best, while at the same time harbor anxiety about what is to come of our decisions; no matter whether it’s a new dietary regimen, a new career or a new relationship. And while each situation can be promising, they still come with a bit of unease, which Kierkegaard cleverly surmises this anxiety as “the dizziness of freedom.”
The dizziness doesn’t come from fear of failure, so much as it is about the unknown of what lies ahead. The freedom to look down that new path, with no end in sight, is akin to peering into a deep hole where the bottom can’t be seen. The anxiety you feel is not from fear of falling, because you are freely holding onto the safety rail, but from the mystery of the void.
The freedom we possess to make our own choices will always be met with a bit of anxiety because we are always worried about the unknown, even if that path we’re staring down is exactly where we want to be. But, that unknown is part of our journey, what creates our story, and pushes the evolution of us. As long as that path we set out on is inline with who we want to become, we don’t really need to see the end because we will be able to create it as we go.
181. silence
It’s only in silence that we can truly hear ourselves.
When our mind is quiet, there is a reckoning. What arises within that void, sometimes painful, uncomfortable, or challenging, is what holds the key to unlocking the next version of ourselves. We need to bring our attention to whatever comes about in those times of silence. Exploring those manifestations will allow us to overcome the challenges they continue to create and fully experience the feelings we continuously try to distract ourselves from.
“Being silent,” as Lori Gottlieb put in her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, “is like emptying the trash.” When you stop filling up your empty spaces with shit that doesn’t matter — input from friends/family, social media, news — you can begin to see what is truly important.
Pay attention.
178. gravity
We’ve all been a part of a situation or relationship that hasn’t gone our way. The unfortunate part about these things is that we don’t always pick up on the reality of the situation because we can only see the world through our interpretation. While we see something one way, the reality of the situation may be taking us in another. The objections and failures we begin to come up against, may no longer be hurdles to overcome, but signposts directing you to change the way you see the path forward.
It’s difficult to change directions, to let things go, especially when their promise was so great. But an important part of life is coming to the realization that just because you don’t believe in gravity, doesn’t mean that gravity doesn’t believe in you.
164. end the chapter…
Nothing last forever, so stop wasting your time on the things that no longer serve the purpose they once did. We progress through this life by seeking out, and sometimes stumbling upon, things that made us better versions of ourselves. What we fail to recognize is that after a time, we learn the lesson these things have presented, after which they no longer serve a purpose other than to perhaps remind us who we are or where we came from. We hold on to them because they have become a part of our identity and the story we tell ourselves. We forget that these things only serve a purpose for a finite amount of time before their usefulness wears out, at which point, they only keep us from progressing to the next stage in our lives.
Holding on most likely won’t hurt us, but no one truly wants to remain stagnant, it’s just that sometimes it’s more comfortable. We need to understand that if it’s not making us better, by challenging or assisting us, then it is only keeping us from becoming better.
Holding on to something that got us this far is never going to create the awareness necessary to take you to the next stages in our personal growth. It’s holding us back because we’re holding on to what it used to be, to what it used to mean to us, or to how it used to make us feel. While nostalgia can be great, it doesn’t make us better, it simply allows us to revisit a time when a certain love, hobby, interest, position, habit, or time in our lives preceded a reason for change.
Coming to the realization that the idea, persona, or concept we continue to hold onto is no longer serving us is sometimes difficult to come to terms with because it has become a part of us. It is what made us who we are by shaping our approach to life up until this point. Separating yourself from the thing/s that brought you to this point in your life will be hard, but it is necessary for growth to continue. Sometimes we need to end the chapter so that we can continue the story.
142. a life that matters
We all want more, and at the same time we continuously find excuses that impede any type of progress. If we all want more for ourselves, why don’t we do anything about it? Why don’t we challenge our excuses? Very simply, excuses preserve a level of comfort by keeping us in familiar territory. Whereas, any type of progress requires the discomfort of change in some capacity. Therefore, we don’t challenge our excuses because we are comfortable. We have a place to sleep, food in the fridge, and access to the internet. For everyone reading this, life is good. Yet, as good as it is, there is still something stirring deep inside us. Why? Because the goal in life was never comfort. We all want a life that matters.
110. what am I measuring against
The moment you find yourself discouraged about where you are in your journey, it’s important to stop and ask, “what am I measuring against?” Most likely, it’s against your version of ideal. That far off place, just over the horizon. But just like the horizon, you’ll never be able to catch it. It’s unattainable, as it will always remain ahead of you. It’s important to let that far off point serve as a guide, not as a comparison.
When you realize the horizon exists as a guide for your potential and not a place where happiness resides, you should ask yourself, “where did I come from?” And at that moment, you can turn around to look how far you’ve come from the point where you started. All the changes, failures, adjustments, and hardships brought you to the point where you stand today — far closer to the horizon than where you used to be, but still so much more you’ll be able to achieve. So, if you’re disappointed with the progress of your journey, remember to look in the direction that allows you to see how far you’ve come and not how far you need to go.