336. perfect problems
The only problems we have left are the perfect ones. We’ve found solutions to all the others.
It’s the perfect problems that keep us stuck. They’re perfect because they have built-in constraints that keep us trapped in a situation. I hate my job, but I need it. I don’t like being overweight, but I’ve tried everything. We erect boundaries that keep us from seeing the solutions on the other side.
We mistakenly think there’s no way to solve a perfect problem, but in reality, the solution stands behind the boundaries we’ve created. If we can understand this, then the only logical thing to do is destroy those boundaries, and find the solution that lays behind it.
The only way to solve a perfect problem is to make it imperfect. Tear down the boundaries. Eliminate the constraints. Put in your two weeks tomorrow. Put down the food you know isn’t good for you, and only eat what you cook from scratch.
A radical shift in approach is the only alternative to a slow and agonizing march to unhappiness. The only way to get unstuck from a perfect problem is to blow up the boundaries that have been setup, deal with the pain in the short-term, and then run forward, as fast as we can.
299. it’s about compromise, right?
People in unhappy or unfulfilling relationships often say things like “relationships are about compromise, right?” More often than not, it seems like this sentiment stems from one person feeling pressured into doing what the other wants by pushing solutions that don’t seem fair. But real compromise feels different. It doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a balancing of desires. It’s a feeling that your needs are taken into account, and even if you don’t get everything you want, you, as well as your partner, both feel as though you got enough of what you needed.
Compromise doesn’t need to be a painful experience. It largely comes down to the emotional maturity of the people we’re involved with. The best outcomes are from those who are so attentive and connected that it’s enjoyable to work things out with them. They care about how you feel, and don’t want you to be dissatisfied. And because they have empathy, they won’t feel settled if you’re unhappy with the outcome. So don’t compromise your needs, cultivate your own emotional maturity, and find someone that is willing to balance your desires.
262. listen
If you are proficient in your field, people will come to you with questions.
It’s likely that very early on in your conversation with these people, you will think you know what the problem is, feel the urge to speak up, and then offer a solution — because there is really no point in wasting more time on a simple fix, right?! Well, if you start to tell someone what they should be doing without the opportunity for them to be fully heard, then the chances are, they won’t feel heard and will likely not listen to your answer. Even if you’ve listened to similar problems a thousand times before, it’s only when the other person feels heard that the advice you provide can be fully recognized, accepted, and used to overcome the very unique issue to that specific person.
So, while it is true that people are coming to us because they are seeking knowledge, we must keep in mind that they are also coming to us with a need to be heard.